Surrender

It was September of 2000 and had been about a month since our family first began to attend church.  Each Sunday we brought along a chubby adorable 3yr old toddler, a delicate shy 4yr old princess and a fiesty, spunky, chatter box of a 9yr old.  Our family time was increasing and Sundays were indeed turning out to be good days.  In fact, they were so good that we even attended church on Wednesday.  Granted, there was food involved and that meant no cooking for me, so it really wasn't a hard sell. It even turned out that it would be a Wednesday night sitting around your typical fellowship hall table having dinner that would soon change our lives.

My husband, who is quite the entertainer and has a larger than life personality has always been an actor and singer.  He's actually quite amazing. For months leading up to our church attendance I had begun to feel bad because my husband had this great talent and was not able to use it.  My first thoughts were for him to look into community theatres or just find some form of an acting outlet.  This however required research and was long before the days of Google.  In other words, it didn't happen.

Now, going back to this one Wednesday night.

There we sat, enjoying our dinner and meeting new people.  The first man we met happened to be the music pastor, Jay. One of his first questions to my husband was asking him if he sang.  The answer was yes with an explanation of his theater degree in college.  One thing led to another and before we left that night my husband had the role of Maxwell, a lead character in a play called The Christmas Post.  This was a character Jay was originally playing but instead he turned it over to my husband.  

Weeks filled with practices rolled by.  No one even knew who we were and in fact, most thought Chris was a hired actor.  I, on the other hand, being totally talentless was quickly becoming known as Maxwell's wife, and honestly I was completely okay with that. As weeks went by and my husband got deeper and deeper into the role of his character he soon realized how similiar he and Maxwell were.  Not so much in personality but rather in their similar void of hope.  You see, Maxwell was the turn around character.  He was the man of no faith with only the world to blame for his struggles. He was a man who looked after himself, a man without God. A man that later entered into a relationship with the Lord. 

In the midst of the late night practices, my husband's silent struggle with his character and the nearing play, life was pressing in.  It was one evening as the cast was wrapping up and closing in their usual time of prayer that Jay, the music minister stopped mid sentence in the middle of his prayer.  He began to verbalize a new prayer, he shared a strong sense that there was someone in the room that needed to know God.  He spoke it openly and briefly and then went on to continue to pray.  Within a minute Jay was right back to that moment once again sharing a strong sense that there was someone there who really needed to know the Lord.  It was a sense that he was unable to let go of.  He finally closed and wrapped up the time of prayer announcing himself as being available in his office.  My husband mulled around waiting and watching for the man Jay was praying about to come forward, despite knowing that he, himself was the man.  Sure enough, one by one everyone left leaving only my husband.  The sureity of the calling could not have been more clear, and with that and tears in his eyes he walked into Jay's office and simply said, "It's me".

My precious husband came home that night and shared his heart with me.  He told me of his time of prayer with Jay as he was led to surrender his life to Christ.  Just like Maxwell, he was tired of the running and the searching for something more.  For once in his life, he found the answer, or moreso, the Answer found him. As he went on to share with me I could tell that there was nothing more he wanted than for me to have the same hope he now had.  Then, for the very first time as a couple, we prayed and I too surrendered my life to Christ.  

From that day on my husband has been an amazing spiritual leader.  His knowledge and wisdom is incredible.  His love for me and for the Lord is unwavering. I, on the other hand had a different journey. I clearly recall my prayer of surrender and faith being combined with a prayer of unsurity.  I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to love the Lord like I love my husband and because of that my prayer went something like this, "Lord, I will trust you but please don't dissapoint me".  Not the most Biblically aligned prayer, but it was genuine and it came from a very real place in my heart.  I was just so scared to trust anyone except for myself and my husband and I knew that I just couldn't handle any more disappointment.  Little did I know that that moment of surrender would mean that I was going to have to release my husband from being my savior in exchange for placing Jesus in that position.  The Lord was soon going to create in me a complete dependence upon Him.  The task I had to face was simply too big for mere man....even for my savior of a husband. 



   

Expectations

Life was moving along fairly well, in fact very well considering what I was previously used to.  I now had my diploma, I had my three beautiful kids and a loving husband.  We were homeowners and we both had decent jobs.  However despite all of these things, there was a problem.  No matter how much we seemed to have, it never seemed to be enough to make me anything other than momentarily happy.  I look back on these years and like to think that we were happy and that I was a good wife, and to a certain point we were and I was.  Loving my husband was never a problem but it seemed seeing the truth was. 

I had a husband who loved me so much and was nothing short of amazing and yet he still wasn't enough.  All of these years, I longed to be in the exact place in life that I was.  I longed for this place because this was the place where my hurts were to be healed, my joy was to be restored and peace would enter in, yet for some reason this wasn't happening.  My expectations were not being fulfilled.  No matter how great my husband was I still found myself constantly aggravated with a desire to fight.  I suppose some of that may have been self protecting to push him away before he did me, but I believe it honestly was more me being mad because despite having the life I dreamed of I still wasn't happy.   

My husband was a saint, at least in my eyes, but I could be so mean and get so easily frustrated.  I constantly snapped and was overwhelmed all the time.  I developed this perfectionistic lifestyle where everything had to be just so, and having 3 young children in the house made that nothing short of impossible.  I basically was setting myself up to fail, I just didn't realize it.  I really believed that if I could perfect things then all would be well.  This could not have been farther from the truth.  There was no organizational skill, no body size, no amount of cleanliness that I could achieve that would help me find the contentment in life I was looking for.  The joy of perfection would last only a moment before I had to chase after it again. I was caught in a never ending cycle....hence all of my frustration.



In between, we really had some great moments.  Like I said, I had and still do have tremendous love for my husband and my children.  We've always played, vacationed and had fun together (well, at least until something made me upset).  Honestly, I believe  it was that tremendous love that we shared that always left me discontent.  Not because I didn't enjoy it but because I had a deep desperation for more of it.  I had such a great void and I so desired my husband to fill it.  The only problem was, he couldn't.

Our marriage continued for about 5 years and we went on many emotional rollercoasters. I continued to seek out more and more of my husband and my children trying in an attempt to fill that void in my life.  I kept hoping that a little would go a long way and yet it never did.  As quickly as I was filled, I was emptied.  In my search for more family time I even brought up the idea of going to church.  I thought it would be a great thing to go to church together and then enjoy lunch afterwards.  It would be a scheduled family day.  By now, I had well trained my husband to not rock the boat, so he got on board quickly.  As desperate as I was for him to love me more, he was equally desperate to do so.  In fact, he still is. 

So with that, we were off to church! 

Smart Enough

Here I am, newly married, Alicia newly adopted, first home bought, my past behind me (well, mostly for now), life is settling down and it is good.  I am working, my husband is working, bills are being paid, Alicia is stinkin' adorable and yet there is still something unsettling, something left uncompleted. I was having a hard time ignoring it and at the same time I was so afraid of dealing with it.

So, let me take you back....
   
I'm a 15 year old girl midway through 10th grade.  My life is spiraling out of control for several reasons, some which will be revealed later.  But for now, let's just say I was missing quite a bit of school.  On top of everything else, I am suddenly finding myself in the middle of a health crisis which resulted in missing even more school.  Long story short, the decision was made for me to drop out of high school in the middle of my sophmore year. 

Obviously this was not a good decision.  Previously, I was an honor role student with a knack and love for writing, but the more time went on I lost that confidence.  I went from being a good student to one who felt so inept and so far behind that catching up didn't even seem like an option.  I wanted so badly to stay and catch up but I also wanted to end all of the failing I was doing...with my grades and my life.  So, it was settled, I was to become a high school drop out before the age of 16. 

Life got scrambled up some more but I always managed to hang on.  I moved out, got a job and held on by the skin of my teeth (if you missed this part of my life please feel free to go back and read previous posts http://allbecauseofhope.blogspot.com/2012/04/big-news.html).  I tried to pretend the best I could that life was going well but I always knew it never was.  I was young, I was naive and I had to come to terms with the fact that I was also a quitter.  I seemed to quit a lot in my life but it never set well with my spirit.  No matter how long it took me I always managed to fight and pick myself back up.

Fast Forward to my newly married life…. 

Yes, I was working, I was a homeowner and a mom, but one thing I was not was a high school graduate.  This was soon to change.  I made the terrifying decision to not just get a GED but instead to go back and complete school.  Yes friends, at the age of 24 I re-entered the 10^th grade.  No, I didn’t walk into school but I did receive all of my books at home and started working my tail off.  I literally home schooled myself.  It proved to be very difficult and humbling.  I cannot explain what goes through your mind and emotions when you are trying to grasp a 10 grade math problem at the age of 24 and are struggling with it.  I felt like an idiot, I felt as if my incompetence was being thrown in my face and I shed many tears.  I wanted to quit at least 100 times but never did.  In the end, I managed to work, be a mom, go through another grueling pregnancy and within a couple of years and a baby on my hip, I became a high school graduate.  Against all odds, I graduated!!

Here I sit today, sometimes still feeling stupid or incompetent just like I did at the age of 15.  I also realize there is no making up the years that I missed growing my mind as a teenager, and to be honest, that is a painful truth. However despite how I may feel at times, I allow the truth to speak louder than my emotions.  I know I’m not as dumb as I feel and at the end of the day I do have a diploma.  The crazy thing is, I not only have one diploma but I have two and am working on my third!  Yes, friends I am almost finished with my Master’s degree and am incredibly humbled and yet at the same time incredibly proud that I did it.  I actually did it!

 

 

The Choice of a Father

It was just a mere few months into our marriage when one of the best things in the world happened. I had experienced my best day just a few months before and now Alicia was about to have hers.  March16th was her day, the day she officially and legally became a Bailey.  

 

Alicia Lauren Bailey

 

Despite the immense joy of that day and the dramatic way it changed Alicia's life, I don't even think it is a day she remembers.  As far as she knew, this day was really not going to change anything in her life aside from making something she already believed legal. In her eyes, her daddy has always been her daddy.  He has loved her from the very first day he met her and he made sure he let her know it.   I will always remember the transition she made as this sweet little girl who toddled around calling out to Mr. Chris then to Daddy Chris and then to simply Daddy. 

 

I am so grateful that despite the beginnings of our life together (you can read all about it on a previous post http://allbecauseofhope.blogspot.com/2012/04/big-news.html ) she was now going to have the life that she deserved.  A life where she was cherished, adored and always had an open lap to climb upon.  She would never grow up and question whether or not she was loved.  She would always be told she was beautiful and reminded of the preciousness of her sweet little dimple.  Butterfly kisses and "whiskers" would always be lavished upon her and there would never be a shortage of feet larger than hers to stand upon as she danced through the house.  Swinging over curbs between the hands of two people who adored her and being thrown into the air and caught every single time would now become normal parts of her memories.   

 

The most beautiful thing of all of this is that it wasn't necessary.  My husband did not have to adopt her to be all of those things to her.  She was his daughter he dearly loved long before the adoption ever took place.  Legal papers couldn't possibly change that. The sad fact is, she once was abandoned by another, however it was to be a pain that she was never going to know because her daddy never left her side. Sure, things could have gone on without the adoption ever taking place, with the difference of only one thing, one really big thing. Adoption is a choice.  It is a choice that was made where the heart of my husband said to Alicia "I choose you.  I want to be in relationship with you as your father and you as my child.  I choose you to be my daughter".  He didn't adopt her out of obligation, he adopted her because he chose to.  She was simply that precious to him.  Every little girl and even big ones too, long for that kind of love.  The kind of love that says, I know I don't have to, I know you may not feel you deserve it but I still choose you. I will love you, protect you, fight for you and never leave your side.  There are no sweeter words and there is no greater blessing than a Father choosing his child and vowing to love her forever. 

 



October 8th, 1994

October 8th, 1994 turned into being the best day of my life and currently still holds the same title.  This was the day I married Chris Bailey.  After a beautiful proposal on a beachfront boardwalk in Vero Beach, FL I said yes, or maybe it was a little more like YES!!!!!  We chose October 8th because it was the anniversary of my grandparents whom I dearly loved. He gave me the most perfect ring.  I would have accepted far less but he still chose to give me a ring that he felt I deserved.  This was only to be the beginning of him showing his love for me.  

I am still in awe today that a man of my husband's caliber would have chosen me.  I understand that as many of you know me today you might think we are much more of an equal match, but that was far from the truth back on this day. To be honest, I never understood what he saw in me and I certainly didn't feel I had anything to offer him.  In large, almost all of who I am now I owe to the man who promised to love me forever and meant it, on that day 18 years ago.

I never made it easy on him.  I loved him with all my heart, but I still never made it easy. Mostly, because I didn't know how.  I expected him to meet all of my emotional needs, I expected him to pay the price for those who went before him and hurt me, I expected him to fix the entire broken mess that was my life, and when he couldn't, I got really upset. And yet, he still chose to marry me and devote his entire life to me.  Oh, I can't wait to tell you more about this but I would really be skipping too far ahead, so instead I will go on to tell you about this beautiful day.

We were married in a magnificant church and had an amazing reception at a yacht club.  I could not have asked for a better wedding.  My friends walked faithfully by my side and Alicia was the most adorable flower girl ever.  She wore a mini wedding dress and loved every minute of it.  I use to love to watch our wedding video, otherwise known as "The Princess Mommy" movie according to my little girls. It was a spectacular day, and I am so grateful for the memories of it through photos and video.  The video reminds me of the beauty of the day, but it also reminds me of how far I've come.  As I watch the video, specifically as we recited our vows, I can't help but notice our eyes.  His were fixed on mine and mine were unwilling to allow them to be.  I was so happy that he loved me and chose me and yet I was so insecure and felt so unworthy.  Sadly, my eyes showed  every ounce of this.  As he stared directly into my face, I would break eye contact after only a few seconds.  I could only receive mere fragments of the love he had for me.  One glimpse at a time was all I could soak in before I turned away. It is such a sad and yet beautiful thing to watch.  A groom with such a passion to love his bride and a bride who felt so unworthy of receiving it.  This would be our marital dance for many many years.  Him stepping forward, me stepping back. 



This was also a precious day because not only was my husband commiting his life to me but he was doing the same to Alicia.  He looked at her with the same eyes he looked at me with.  Eyes that said I love you more than anything in this world.  The only difference was that she could maintain his gaze and trust it completely as I simply could not. 

It took no time at all for her to become a daddy's girl.  He made that really easy. I remember the sweetest moment at the end of our wedding as we prepared to leave for our honeymoon.  Alicia stood there in her pretty little dress with beautiful hair that had fallen from her updo and was left in long curls.  There she stood with tears streaming down her face.  I bent down and asked her what was wrong.  She wrapped her arms tightly around us both and answered in broken words through her tears saying how much she was going to miss us .  We hugged her back and told her that it was okay because we would be home in a week.  In an instant her tears broke and her joy returned as she looked up and said "Oh, you're coming back?" This sweet little child thought we were leaving her and never returning. You can't imagine the peace in my heart as I could assure her that no, Alicia, we're not leaving you, not now, not ever.



The Real Us

Court was over, justice had been served, and now, finally, I could really begin anew.  BUT, before I move forward in my story, I just want to take a pause from all the drama and give you a glimpse into the real us.  You've been hearing our story, but you'll end up missing a lot if I am not able to portray who we were. The 2 years following the court date was spent fully enjoying my little Alicia as she began to talk more and was becoming pretty active.  She proved to be the most amazing and the most adorable child ever.  Even back then she lit up any room she walked into.  Her personality was nothing like mine.  She was spunky, full of joy, bubbly, and a non stop chatter box who absolutely adored attention. I, on the other hand, was fairly quiet, sarcastically funny, and way too analytical and simply wanted to fade into the shadows. Alicia was definitely a mix-the-play-doh-colors kind of kid.  For me, just learning how to sit back and allow the blues and yellows to morph together proved to be quite the challenge.  To her they made green, to me, they made a mess! 



 That's me on the left not so thrilled with chocolate all over my face...and then's there's Alicia on the right embracing every moment of it!



And yet again, me on the left and Alicia on the right. Our dispositions are just a little bit different!

Even as a young toddler, there was so much I needed to learn from Alicia.  Every quality she possessed, I seemed to need.  Yes, many of those things drove me crazy, her desire to color outside of the lines, wear cowgirl boots with everything, not care about having spilled mustard all over her shirt, and even her need to talk to anyone she met as if they were her best friend ever. Her only response to the question we frequently asked, "Who loves Alicia?", was always a big cheesy "Everybody!" (otherwise heard as Evreee budddyyy) and boy was she was right.  Everybody did love Alicia. Truth be told, even back then I would have given anything to be like her.  In fact, if the same question had been posed to me about myself it would have been evident that her evreebuddyyy would have been a stark contrast to my nobody.

 For the record, she was never asked to wave. She was merely waving to her audience!

While Alicia continued to grow into her toddler and preschool years, I continued to stay safe and keep my crayons inside the lines.  While she joyfully scribbled all over and enjoyed what she saw as beauty, I spent my time ripping up what I saw as my ruined papers.  I so wish I could see the world and see people like Alicia did.  Her world was full of adventure, mine was full of risks that were likely to turn into worse case scenarios.  Everyone she knew was her BFF, everyone I knew was out to get me.  She had the ability to dance around the room singing as she pretended to be Anastasia, never thinking twice about who might be watching.  I would never dare to dream of being a princess, and it certainly would never come to my mind to dance so freely. 

Alicia had a joy and a freedom that I wanted. Each year as she grew, I knew I wanted it more and more.  I like to think I was always a good mom.  I loved her tremendously, I took good care of her, and I put her needs before my own.  I think I did all the things a mom should do. However, when it comes to teaching, I believe it was Alicia who was teaching me.  She was teaching me to lighten up, to enjoy life and to love people.  Her glass was always half full, if not filled to the brim and overflowing.  I needed that quality, I needed it badly, for my glass only contained a few drops.  To be honest, I'm still learning from her and I cherish every last one of the lessons she's taught me.  Are we still different?  Sure.  We always have been, but I think that is what has always made our relationship so beautiful. In fact, it still does.   

The Verdict

The ride home was a long one.  I knew I had started once again on my journey of defeat.  Every single detail of the court room, the faces and the testimonies, were all on a reel that just kept playing over and over in my head.  It was like a bad movie, a really bad movie, and I couldn't help but be filled with regret.  Regret of what I should have said, but didn't. Regret of what was said that shouldn't have been. Mainly, regret about showing up in general.  I was in the throws of another "I told you so" moment.  I knew that was going to happen.  It always did, no matter how hard I tried at anything, it never seemed to work out.  Fighting was pointless.  Running was better, and I knew at this momemt, I should have just ran.

We made it back to my apartment and I sat on my bed in tears.  Christopher's job was simply to listen.  He knew that anything positive he offered was going to be shot down before it ever fully left his mouth.  At that time in my life, and in fact, for many years later, I was an all or nothing kind of girl, mostly nothing.  I did not believe in the positive. My life just wouldn't allow me to trust in anything good.  That is why these moments of defeat were so hard.  It costs me a lot to fight and to go after something better. Then when I didn't receive it, it was a much harder fall.  My thinking was that if I didn't go after anything, then I could not be dissapointed  when I didn't receive it.  This was a much safer plan, and on that day, I knew I should have followed it.

There I sat, a balled up mess next to a man who was comforting me the best he could.  At the very least that day, I felt embarrassed, unworthy, and flat out stupid.  What were people going to think about me?  Were they going to believe my ex and think I was lying about all of those years?  I really felt like a fool.  On the same hand, I was fully aware I was sitting next to a man who was not leaving, a man who was loving me despite all of this.  Loving me, despite what I knew to be true about myself.  I wanted so badly to embrace that truth but I knew the risk was too high and the fall would be too hard.  Instead, I continued to ball up and cry....until the phone rang.

"Hello". 
"Hi Jamie?"   
"Yes"?
"This is "your lawyer", I wanted to tell you that shortly after you left the jury returned and they returned with a verdict of guilty. GUILTY!"
Blah blah blah...no idea how this conversation continued.

Are you kidding me??? They found him guilty?!  I could not believe it.  That balled up mess of a girl was now frantically running around the room, not having any idea how to react.  I wanted to scream, in fact, I think I did.  I was ecstatic!  The first thing I chose to do was completely out of character for me.  I picked up the phone and I called Christopher's mother.  I shared the news and then thanked her for raising such an amazing man.  I may have won my case, but deep down I knew he was the reason and I needed to thank somebody for that!

Turns out my day in court, my day of fighting, was worth it.  My ex was sentenced to several years in prison, effective immediately.  He was taken away that day. While the doors of his cell closed, I was hoping mine would now open. 

   

The Stand

This was it, by far one of the most intimidating moments of my life.  The scene is one I will always remember.  It was a room filled with a crowd of people, mostly strangers for whom this was just a day that got them out of work.  Another part of the room was all business.  Lawyers I knew, but not well enough to trust my future with, a fully wardrobed judge and an officer. For them, this was just another ordinary day. It was their job to be there. The part of the room that most gripped my heart was the one that was filled with faces I recognized, but also faces I did not want to see.  The face of my ex, the faces of his family, which by the way, all had eyes that could have burned holes right through my skin.  Along with them, there was also the face of his witness.  The very witness who should have stepped in that night, but didn't.  The witness who did not stand up for me then, and was about to stand against me now.  It was those faces that intimidated me the most.  

My mind was swirling with doubt and fear.  Was this my life?  Was this really happening?  Can't this all just go away?  Round and round these thoughts circled leaving me with the feeling of wanting to just get up and run away.  After all, running seemed to be a common desire of mine.  I guess it was the only familiar thing I had to stop any pain in my life.  I just wanted it to end.  I was beginning to doubt myself and it would be so much easier if I just gave up. However, my time was out. There would be no running, there would be no giving up. Court was now in session.

I took the stand first.  My knees were buckling, and I was sure I was visibly shaking.  I kept drinking my cup of water placed before me, not because I was thristy but because it gave me something to focus on.  My state prosecutor began his line of questioning, allowing me to share the events that took place.  I hated retelling the story.  I hated it for me and I hated it for my ex.  This should never have happened.  This was not what I planned for my life or for the life of my daughter.  My emotions were becoming overwhelming and I was beginning to unravel, until one specific moment.  A moment when I glanced out into the crowd and laid my eyes on Christopher.  He gave me a look that spoke life into me.  With his eyes alone, he told me that I was not alone, that he was there fighting for me, and regardless of how this all turned out everything was going to be okay.  His eyes went back and forth between mine and the man's I was fighting against.  His eyes showed zero fear, and that is exactly what I needed....fearlessness.  I was scared, overwhelmed, and emotionally bankrupt, but in those eyes I could press on.  So, that's exactly what I did. I told my story and recalled every detail of that night.  When the time came I managed to lift my shaky finger and point at the accused man that was my husband, and did so all the while looking him square in the eyes.  My finger may have shook but my eyes were strong.  When it came time for his attorney's questions, I felt confident.  His questions were almost silly.  I could tell he was grasping at straws, as there was no lying about the evidence and all of the reports.  He had nothing to work with. Christopher's eyes were right.

As surely as I gained my confidence, it dwindled away as soon as my ex took the stand.  My confidence turned into rage, then into sadness, and back into rage. There he sat, giving his side of the story, under oath, and it was filled with lies.  Not one part of it was familiar.  I was beside myself and wanting to stand up and scream.  He was lying about me, he was discrediting me, and he was devalueing me.  I felt like a victim all over again.  My lawyer's questioning was good, but it was not great.  I felt as if I could have done a better job myself, for I knew specific questions to which he could not answer.  It literally took everything in me not to stand up and say the things that needed to be said.

Next, his witness took the stand. As soon as the questioning began, it was obvious that it was going nowhere fast.  Between the night and day stories from him and I, the witness could not choose either side.  Several of their answers were coming out vague and confusing. They ended up stepping down, claiming that they really did not remember anything about that night. I was glad he lost his witness, but also so aggravated that he could basically un-do my testimony and lie before the court. At this point I was done.  I had said all I was allowed to say and so had he.

We stepped out of the court room and I knew court did not end well for me.  It ended on a lie, it ended with his side.  It ended with gloating from his family, as well as name calling and lots of yelling.  I was being accused of being a liar and I was devestated.  I wanted a chance to defend myself.  I knew there was no way I was going to win.  Truth was not going to prevail and there was nothing more I could do.  There was no need for me to stay around and wait for the verdict.  The last thing I wanted was to have people yelling at me and cheering as my life unraveled, and for that reason I simply went home....defeated.

The Briefcase

Papers, documents, bills and pictures.  This is what your life consists of when you are about to enter a trial.  Basically, along with all my other "baggage" I was carrying, I now was the new owner of an additional and quite massive briefcase! Papers with court dates, legal documents for signing, bills of property damage and physician visits and pictures of all the evidence.  The fight was on and this briefcase proved it.  The problem was, depsite what it appeared like, I was not a fighter.  I was only learning to become one and the reality of all of this was a lot for me. I was about to enter the court room where my trial for domestic violence was to take place and although my briefcase showed I was ready, in reality I wasn't even close.  

How does one prepare for a moment like this?  How do you look your spouse in the eye, the one who claimed to love you but yet never showed it, the one who gave you the most perfect gift in the world, a beautiful daughter, and then abandoned you both on several occasions?  How do you look at this man and be ready to point directly at him upon command to the question "Can you point out the man who struck you"?  It was overwhelming and is still somewhat surreal as I plunk out these words on the keyboard.  The man I loved at one time and the man I hated at others, all wrapped up into one.  This man's life was held in my hands, the point of my finger could literally change everything for him...and for me.  It was a huge responsibility and to be honest, one I was contemplating running from.

Days before the trial my emotions were all over the place.  I was strong and confident and determined to find justice for my child and myself. I was weak and defeated and knew for sure I was going to lose.  Then again, I was also terrified and wanted it all to just disappear.  I cannot even count the times I went back and forth between quitting and fighting.   Ultimately, my decision came from my Christopher, my current husband now. He was the rock, the one who lifted my head up and walked alongside me through the entire process.  He was the one to pick up my one foot and keep dropping it in front of the other.  To this day I believe if it wasn't for him by my side I would have ran. That was especially true on the day of court.  It was on that day that he used his own strength to carry all of my other "baggage" so I wouldn't have to.  It was only because of that lightened load that I could stand tall and walk in carrying that briefcase.  He gave me my strength, he gave me my determination and he gave me my fight.

Court was about to be in session and scared or not I was going in! So down the long hall way and through those heavy double wooden doors I walked.  I walked right into the silence, except for the sound of my beating heart, and into the mass of people and into the unknown. ( Insert the deepest breathe I've ever taken in my life here....)



     

Trashed, Torn & Crushed

Once again, I find myself somewhat at peace.  My ex has once again been arrested and at this point there is no doubt in my mind that we are completely over.  With him being in jail I now had complete access to my apartment and was finally going to be able to return and collect my and Alicia's belongings.  I drove to the apartment, put the key in the door and turned it open and then proceeded to emotionally fall apart.  The scene I entered into was complete devestation.  Everything I left behind was demolished, I mean deliberately destroyed.  Beyond that, everything that was Alicia's was ruined.  This in particular ripped my heart out.  As I have said from the beginning, "hurt me but don't you dare hurt my child" and that, in my mind, was exactly what he was doing, he was hurting my child.  As much as this moment tore me apart it also completely affirmed my decision to protect my daughter at all costs. 

I proceeded to go throughout the house only to find Alicia's crib outside of our third story apartment underneath a busted out window.  Next to it sat her dresser, broken and in pieces.  Some of her toys were broken and her clothes were missing, torn and ruined.  My sweet, big fat orange cat , Mork, that I had to leave behind was gone and never to be found.  There were holes in many walls and structural damage throughout.  Dishes were filthy and piled up and cat litter and garbage were strewn all across the living room and bedroom floors.  The hard part was that this disaster I was standing in was going to be MY responsibility.  This apartment was in my name and therefore I was going to be held responsible for the damage.  However, much worse than having to pay for that damage was the pain that was in my heart.  Yes, the place was a mess, but despite how hard I tried, so was my life.  I was literally standing in a room that matched how I felt on the inside, trashed, torn and crushed.  The hardest part of it all was the meanness and the intentionality that this room displayed.  It was done on purpose and it was evident.  I was not only not cared about but I was clearly despised.

But...despised or not, I had some cleaning to do.  Not only did I need to repair the damage, pick up the trash and clean my apartment.  I also needed to do the very same thing with my life...repair it, pick it up, throw out the trash and once and for all clean it up!

 

Crashing Down to Standing Up

At this point in my life I was finally beginning to see a glimpse of hope but as you continue to read my story you'll see that those glimpses of hope remained just that...glimpses.  I finally decided once and for all to leave the abuse of my marriage and was now entering into unknown territory, a healthy relationship.  Things were great and yet they were also hard.  It seems odd that one would actually have to learn how to accept being treated well, however this was the case for me.  Through the years I have found that it's difficult to leave even the worst of situations for something wonderful simply because the something wonderful is so foreign. The reality is, despite how great the new normal is, it is still new and therefore oddly difficult.  Little did I know I was soon to be thrown back in between the worst and the best and I was going to have either choose to run away or choose to dig in my heels.

The imprisonment of my soon to be ex didn't last long and he was released to await more court dates.  In the mean time he was living in an apartment under my name and still had many of Alicia's and my belongings which I needed to get back.  He lived there so therefore he was in charge, yes I know, crazy laws.  I contacted him to retrieve my things and set a time to come get them.  I called Christopher to tell him where I was going and was concerned enough to have him call the police if he did not hear from me shortly.  Upon entering the apartment it took all of 2 minutes for an arguement to break out and the next thing I knew as I was collecting some things I was hit from behind with a glass.  At this point a fight broke out, despite him having a friend there watching the whole thing take place. I somehow managed to get away and get out the door and flee.  I drove down the road and pulled over to call Christopher from a pay phone and he instructed me to come to his friends house where he was at.  He took one look at me with a swollen eye and fat lip and called the police.  I will always remember this moment..everything was crashing down.  He was seeing the truth of my life, I was ashamed and embarrassed, thoughts of why I was even bothering trying to change were flooding my mind.  To me, it was proof yet again, I didn't deserve more.  I wanted desperately to just run away screaming and crying a sad "I told you so".

However, what happened next sent me into a state of shock.

The police showed up, took pictures, filed a report and I agreed to press charges.  After the officer left, Christopher and his friend, in my mind, did the unimaginable.  They picked up the phone, called my ex without him having any knowledge of who they were, and began to threaten him and call him out for the evil things he was doing.  They passionately put a healthy fear into him and the moment they did that I could literally feel my power returning and my shoulders relaxing.  For once in my life, someone had my back and I couldn't believe it!  Just moments before, someone stood on the sidelines watching me being beaten and now Christopher and this new friend I had just met were defending me.  I cannot put into words the emotions I had in this moment.  I just knew for the first time that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be ok.  I was no longer alone, someone was finally standing up for me.  And boy, was I going to need it!   
     

Those Eyes

So, where was I? Rewind... I had just met this adorable guy and completely blew it by telling him my life story.  Honestly, I wasn't even sure what I wanted more,for it to work out or for it to end.  I was caught in a battle between what I longed for and what I felt I deserved.  I guess it didn't really matter anyway because I knew the damage had already been done.  That man with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen went home and I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again.

Fast forward...20 years later I was sitting on the edge of my bed and when I looked up I was looking into those same beautiful eyes.  They still drew me in.  In fact they draw me in today as much as they ever did, if not more.  My dear friends, he stayed!  He actually stayed! I realize there's obviously a BIG gap in between, which I will indeed fill in, but from now on the man I speak of you will all know as my husband Chris (Christopher to me) and you will soon learn why I am always posting on FB about his amazingness and how grateful I am for him and who he is.  Alicia was my reason and he was soon to become my hope. 



Going back those 20 years I could not have been more excited when my phone rang the next morning and I was being asked to go out for lunch.  I will never forget our date over Chinese food, which I had never even had. I also won't forget ordering something that I had no idea what it even was and then proceeding to act like I liked it as I ate.  Despite the food, we laughed, we talked, we laughed some more and another date was already set.  I could not believe I was starting to date so soon and certainly was planning on anything but that.  

One date after another we finally went on the most fabulous date of them all.  He asked if he could take Alicia and I to see Beauty and the Beast.  Let me remind you, this is a 22 year old guy asking a soon to be divorcee on a date with her daughter (Cue Chris is amazing comments again).  When he showed up to pick us up he brought Alicia a gift and she instantly took a liking to him.  In fact, we could barely even watch the movie because of Alicia's talking (If you know Alicia, at least just act surprised). All the way through the movie she kept handing him her book asking him to read it to her.  She was smitten, I was smitten and I could tell he was too. 

So, there you have it, he didn't run away afterall, even when I tried to chase him away.  For the first time ever, someone seemed to value me.  And what I would soon learn was that it was going to be those beautiful eyes of his that I, for the first time ever, would begin to see myself. 

Honesty

My load was beginning to lighten, at least for the moment.  My soon to be ex-husband was in jail and there was no more looking over my shoulder.  I was beginning to do things on my own, still lost and empty as could be but yet still moving forward. Day by day I went to work, took care of Alicia and put one foot in front of the other.  Slowly wrapping my mind around this new life being carved out for me...which by the way turned out to be nothing like I was expecting!



I decided to go out for some fun one night with a friend. Being 21 and with new found freedom, my friend and I went out to Bleachers, a sports and karaoke bar.  For all those concerned, no, I was not going to be singing! We went out with no intentions other than a having a fun girls night...however, once again, this went nothing like I expected.  The minute I walked in the door I laid eyes on the cutest man I had ever seen.  I was very surprised by my reaction, trust me, the last thing on my mind was a man!  However, this man had truly captured my attention.  Strong, brown hair, amazing green/blue eyes and then to top it off he walks up to the mic and begins to sing. Not your drunken, country, bad karaoke kind of singing but instead he belts out Billy Joel's Honesty with this amazing voice. Ok girls, now I knew I was in trouble.  It was way too soon to be interested in another man.  This was the last thing I needed..right?

This incredibly cute guy proceeded to walk over to my table, sit down and begins to watch the basketball game... and get this... he started eating my fries!  Within minutes he had me laughing and the chemistry between us was instant. This man had such a sweet charm, a gentleness and quiet strength about him.  He was not being savvy or cheesy, he was just being who he was.  He was cute, hysterical and talented. Again, I knew I was in trouble. I did not want another relationship!! 


After laughing most of the night and enjoying one anothers' company, out of nowhere I suddenly went into self protection mode. I began to share with him my own rendition of honesty...which went something like this..."I'm in the middle of a divorce from an abusive man and I have a 1 year old daughter who means the world to me"! Bleh...there it was, the line that would for sure make him disappear.  A 21 year old divorcee with a kid...every 22 year old guys dream, huh? The threat of another relationship that was sure to lead to pain and heartache was over. Operation Relationship Sabotage was successfully accomplished!



Or so I thought...

Resolve

There I sat in my mother's house, just me, Alicia and for a change, a made up mind.  This time was different, I knew it, every bone in my body felt it.  There would be no running back, there would be no reconciliation, this was it.  This battle was no longer about me, it was about my child.   Everything was different.  I may have felt the same fear, experienced the same sadness and had the same worries of being alone but it no longer mattered, what mattered was Alicia. 

So there I sat trying to put the pieces of my life back together slowly realizing that I barely had any pieces to work with.  All the while, the next couple of weeks were going to be torment.  It was hard to go anywhere without always looking over my shoulder.  It was hard to shake the fear of what the future might hold, and sadly it was hard not receiving any phone calls.  I had to come to terms with the fact that even this flawed man didn't seem to find me worthy of fighting for.  However, I still had my resolve and I was not looking back.  My emotions were no longer going to rule my life.  I had no where to go but forward, so there I went, piece by piece.

It wasn't long into my leaving, maybe a week, that I woke up to find an article in the paper that spoke of another crime my husband had committed that led to his immediate arrest.  As I think back on that moment I don't even know how I managed to breathe a sigh of relief and feel such pain and sorrow all at the same time.  It was such a surreal moment for me and I could not believe that was the place where my life had taken me.  It was painful, it was embarassing and it was another moment that grew my resolve even more. 

As a couple of weeks passed by I would lay on the bed each night in my childhood room with my sweet little Alicia lying next to me.  I would feel all of the pain of my circumstances but somehow each time I snuggled her in or rocked her in my arms the pain would disipate and my eyes and heart would focus on her.  The smell of her sweet little head always seemed to wash a calm right over me.  I would see the joy in her eyes and the sweet innocence of being oblivious to how cruel this world could be.  She would lay there and smile having no idea her father was in jail and that her mother was emotionally overwhelmed and hopeless.  She had no idea that each time I held her she was breathing hope back into my life. One thing I do hope is that what she did know was that she had a mother who loved her and who would do anything for her.  She had a mother with resolve.  Resolve to fight, resolve to move forward and resolve to give her the life she deserved and for that she could continue to have peace. 

So just hang tight sweet Alicia, a new day is coming....

   

Enough...

Unloveable.  The word I believed of myself.  The word that prompted me to stay in a place that was void of anything resembling love.  The word that kept me trapped and hopeless for years of my life. The word that dictated my joy, my happiness, my worth, or lack thereof. The word that was about to change my life all because of my precious gift of Alicia.   

I remember the day clearly, the day everything changed.  I was in my two bedroom apartment on the third floor.  Anyone outside the door thought there was a young family with a new baby girl and a cute little dog that lived behind the walls.  What they didn't know was the truth.  That young family was desperately and rapidly falling apart.  The husband battled a lifetime of insecurities that led to alchoholism and rage, the wife was held captive to fear and the feeling of having no value, the baby girl was still full of life and joy but now she was in jeopardy, and the dog, well, he was about to change everything too.

It was early evening and we were experiencing the normal chaos behind our walls when somehow my sweet little dog did something to upset my husband and before I knew it my dog was yelping.  I remember thinking to myself "Did he really just hurt my dog"? and then like being hit with a two by four, I remember this voice "If he will hurt your dog, he will hurt your child".  In that one moment, everything inside me screamed "ENOUGH"! That was it, the next day my bags were packed with as much as I could manage and I was gone.      

As I recall this day I sit here in tears as I type.  I cry not because of the pain of the day but because of my great love for my child.  You see, I never believed I was worth more than the life I was living but one thing I knew for sure was that my child was.  She deserved to know she was loved.  Somehow through the years I may have allowed it to be okay for me to be abused but there was no way in this world I would allow that same abuse to fall upon my beautiful Alicia.  I now was given a purpose and it was clear.  She was meant to be my    child and I was meant to be her Mom.  I loved her from the moment I knew she existed, I carried her for 9 months, I endured sickness and disease for her and now it was my job to continue to protect, nurture, love and guide her into a life of peace and security, no matter what the cost...and whatever it was I was finally ready to pay it.  

So it was on that day, many years ago that the very first raindrop from heaven fell upon that beautiful seed of hope that was planted in my life on July 18th, 1990 and it began to be watered.        



To be continued...

Trapped & Hopeless

As I continue to reflect on my life and all of it's happenings I am still left wondering where all the time went.  It seemed like just days ago that I had a sweet, snuggly infant and now I am writing a blog during the season of her upcoming wedding. It just doesn't seem possible!  Yet, as fast as it seems to have flown by, I surely remember days where it seemed like time couldn't move fast enough.  Those were some miserable days, days that kept me feeling trapped and hopeless.  Hmm, trapped and hopeless, seems like the perfect place to start explaining my journey.


At this place in my life Alicia was a little over 1 and as precious as ever.  She was always laughing and playing and her joyful personality was already developed.  If she was ever fussy it would be as simple as rocking her with a sweet hum or driving her around in the car to drift her off to sleep.   Funny thing is, even at the age of 21, it still only takes about 5 minutes to put her to sleep on car rides.  However, as joyful and pleasant as Alicia was, I could not say the same for my life.  At the time I was newly married to a man that I had been with for about 5 years.  Our relationship was never even close to what it should have been.  Instead of love, it was filled with hate , instead of joy it was filled with misery, and instead of happiness it was filled with fear and pain.  I found myself trapped and hopeless in a violent marriage.

My daily life was painful.  I was with a man who did not cherish me, who did not love me and whom had no control over his anger or his love for alcohol.  My life was scattered with one hospital visit after the other and trying to balance an unbalanceable marriage while raising this beautiful child was difficult to say the least.  Most of my pain was hidden but also often went public.  From my pregnancy on I was abandoned in restaurants when it came time for the check only to not see my husband for the next several days.  I was left at home alone for days sick and unable to get off the couch.  I was embarrassed by his moments of rage against me or a perfect stranger which often led to his arrest.   This was my life, the constant fighting, the drunken rages, the days left alone and the fear of the unknown.  I hated it, yet I stayed.  I know, this begs the question why, why would someone put up with that? For starters, fear.  Yes, I was afraid what he might do because of what he had already done.  However, beyond the fear was the deeper issue of my self worth.  I stayed because I did not feel worthy of more.  I did not believe I could do better and I was desperately afraid of being alone.  I can't even say I stayed because I believed he would change, sadly it didn't matter.  What I believed was that my situation was hopeless not because of who he was but rather because of who I was. 

Unloveable.

I say all of this not to paint my ex husband in a negative light, but simply to share my story.  Abuse.  It was my life....and sadly it was in front of this precious child....

 
I'm at a good stopping place for now but hold tight and you'll soon hear the role my precious Alicia played in the next stage of my life. 

Big News

As most of you know by now the Bailey family has recently had a BIG announcement, the engagement of our daughter, Alicia.  Be sure to watch the video attachments with their T.V interview and the Big Proposal!

Right This Minute ABC Interview

The Proposal

We are beyond excited for this upcoming special day and even more excited because of who she will be spending this day and the rest of her life with, a man named Chad.  Chris is excited because he finally gets a boy!  I am excited because she gets a man, who is just like my husband.  With this excitement also come some emotions and a time of reflection for me.  You see, Alicia is my life changing baby and there is a bond between us that can never be broken. Therefore, I thought I would use this blog as a small way to pay tribute to my precious child and to our great God as I tell our story through the upcoming days and pages.  There is much the world needs to know about them both.

It was late evening July 17^th, 1990 that I felt the first of many child bearing pains.  It wouldn’t be until the next day I would hold a sweet baby in my arms that was delivered in the same hospital I was and by the exact same doctor.  As I reflect on that day I am fully aware and confident that it was July 18^th, 1990 at 3:30 in the afternoon that God planted the very first seed of hope in my life, and her name was Alicia. 

(FYI, that's a picture blemish above her eye)

 As I sat in that hospital room I was flooded with many emotions, along with a huge craving for spaghetti, which by the way did not work out so well for me!  I had such joy and excitement along with such worry and fear.  By no means was I your typical mom.  I was a teenager who carried with her a life of hurts and struggles, and I was a broken girl in a very broken relationship.  I wasn’t alone but yet I felt so very alone.  I was still a young girl myself who now was expected to be a mom.  I was so overwhelmed by the task but yet also felt so capable, not because I was but rather because I knew I would be out of my great love for my child.  When I stared down into her sweet little green and bloodshot eyes and rubbed her mostly bald head I knew at that moment there was nothing I wouldn’t do her.  Alicia made me come alive.  She brought a fight out in me that I never knew I had.  I knew I wanted so much more for her life even though I was clueless as to how to achieve it.  Little did I know that little seed of hope that was planted was about to be watered and fertilized over the next several years.  It would be a journey like no other, one I would never want to go through again but yet one that I am ever so grateful for. 

As I continue this blog there will be many stories, some of them sad, some of them hard and some of them funny and joyful, but because of God’s grace, all of them full of hope and purpose!  It is impossible for me to tell complete stories in one day without leaving out important details, so I will stop and use today as an introduction and close it with the details of my first 9 months carrying sweet Alicia. 

I first found out I was pregnant a few days before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was when I REALLY found out because I could not stop throwing up.  Little did I know the sickness wouldn’t stop for another 6 months and would only be coupled with gestational diabetes.  I developed a condition called hyperemesis (aka LOTS of vomiting!).  This led to hospitalizations and IV fluids on numerous occasions.  I feel as if I earned every ounce of Alicia’s amazingness!  The whole time I think I gained a mere 23lbs.  As I pull out old pictures of me while I was pregnant I realize how easily I could embarrass Alicia now.  I had big round glasses, bleach blonde BIG hair and wore tie dye t-shirts.  There was however a perk to being a skinny teenage mom, I could fit into regular clothes and be spared of the hideous sailor outfits with big red bows that could only be found in Sears Maternity section.  So for that Alicia, you are welcome! 

(See what I mean about the hair? Yikes!)

When the sickness ended for me I still battled with the diabetes and would stop at Circle K on my way to work and buy a 5lb bag of ice and finish eating it before my day was over.  I would then wake at 3am or so to have my mom crush more ice cubes for me with a hand crusher (oh the days before ice dispensers!).  I also fondly remember each night at 9pm on the dot Alicia would have the hiccups.  This lasted for months!  Besides the ice, I craved vanilla ice cream, even though I was not supposed to have it, and McDonald’s salads.  So my days flew by with much relationship turmoil, throwing up, eating ice, dressing like an 80’s pregnant Diva and painting a nursery purple while climbing a ladder to put a little sheep border up with my mom.  Some days were fun, but most were very stressful, regardless, every single day was worth it. 

Finally, Alicia came into this world after 17 hours of labor, a week early and weighing 7lbs and 9oz.  She had squinty little green eyes that were bloodshot from how fast she came out, a round face and hardly any hair.  She was adorable and she was mine.  Over the next 12 months and still to this day, Alicia being in my life changed everything and I mean everything! I can’t wait to share more with you later!!