Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When Victory Doesn't Look Like What We Thought It Would

It is with a sad, humbled and quite honestly confused heart that I write these words.  Today I am dealing with grief and today victory does not look as I feel it should or the way I thought it would.  Who am I to even define victory in the first place, no one really, and I realize that.  I am not the Creator of the universe nor am I the one who holds it all together.  What I am however, is one who looks at life completely differently than the actual Designer of it.  I am limited and my limitations are sometimes incredibly painful.  

I will never wrap my mind around some of the things God does or allows and quite frankly it is hard to learn how to be okay with that.  Today a precious woman in my life was taken and an even more precious woman to me is grieving as her mother is no longer by her side.  A diagnosis was made far away in Kenya, funds were raised in a miraculous way within 2 days amounting to $15,000 and it was all for a woman who lives her life in full surrender to the Lord...daily.  She saves young girls and their babies, she rescues the hopeless from poverty and she shares Jesus with anyone in her presence.  She has already lost her sister, her young nephew and her uncle. She is a mighty warrior for our God.  Surely she deserves His mercy upon her mother.  Right? And so my limitations begin.

My limited vision tempts me to see only from a human perspective. It allows me to believe that her healing would be the victory.  Healing is what we all prayed for and for some reason because of the circumstances listed above I believed it would happen with my whole heart. Therefore the blow of what happened is even more harsh.  The reality is that healing is not where victory is to be found.  Victory is to be found in the truth that Jesus came, He lived, He died, He rose again and out of His great mercy and love coupled with our surrender and acceptance of this great gift we NEVER have to die.  The grave has been conquered! This precious mom is not dead as we think, she is for the first time FULLY alive!   

I can hear the Amen chorus as I typed those words and rightfully so.  But isn't the truth that in our humanness we still want the physical healing?  The joy to be found in Christ conquering the grave is hard to grasp.  Honestly, I think we want something more tangible than that, at least I know I do.  I believed throughout this time that the great testimony would be in her healing and God's name would be lifted high.  He would show Himself to so many people in this way.  What I didn't see coming was that the testimony was not going to be in the healing as I thought but rather it was going to be in the unshakable faith of this tiny, grief filled beautiful Kenyan as she praises the God who just took her mother.



So today as I grapple with this grief and this concoction of complete healing and restoration mixed with devastating loss, I am keenly aware that I do not know God like I should.  I love Him, I follow Him and yet I still do not know Him as I should.  What I have realized is that I do not want my prayers to be limited with things that God can do for me and I do not want to treat God as if He is a magic genie in a bottle who should succumb to my wishes.  What I want is majority of my prayer time to be spent in fellowship with Him growing my relationship, learning more of who He is, listening to His voice and seeking His will. I want to be like Paul and give thanks for ALL things.  I want more of God's perspective, I want to embrace His definition of victory and quite simply, I just want more of Him.   





Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My Story, his Story and HIS story

For quite some time now I have not been writing.  Honestly, I have gotten to a place where I have so much to share in regards to my story and the perfectionist side of me (which thankfully doesn't rear it's ugly head too often anymore) just could never decide which direction to go first. After a wonderful conversation with some friends this morning I have decided to simply cut to the chase and share one of the biggest pieces.  There are parts of me that didn't want to share this particular part, but at the end of the day I find it necessary.  If you've noticed from my previous blogs I never mentioned my ex husband's name, mainly out of respect.  If you've read my blogs you would also likely wonder why I would be concerned about respecting such a man, a man that was violent and abusive.  For starters, that is simply not who I am nor is it who my heart will allow me to be. My heart cannot go in the direction of hate because I am a follower of Christ.  That is not who He is and that is not who I am to be if I want to be anything like Him, which I very much do.

You see, my ex husband is no longer on this earth.  His life ended in November 2007.  It was cancer that killed him and cancer that also gave him life.  It is for this very reason that I am sharing his story, along with his identity.  There are so many details that I could intertwine in this story and it is difficult for me to write and not feel as if I am leaving a billion things out.  Bare with me in that, I may very well fill in the gaps later.  How our connection rekindled many years later is an amazing story in itself.  It was not by luck or by coincidence as many may think but rather it was by Divine intervention.  Again, so many details.  

At the end of the day, my ex husband has a story to tell, a story worth hearing.  Was he a man of many sins? Yes. Was he a man once filled with rage and violence? Yes.  Is that where his story ends? No. His story doesn't end in a grave.  His story also lives on in a beautiful daughter, he once gave up.  His legacy, as seedy and horrid as it once was has been changed.  Redemption has been found!  I will let his story speak for itself.  

Below please find posted the articles of my ex husbands journey.  Gaps will be there but I pray the main points will be found.  Please also stay with me below for more reading. 

http://www.sptimes.com/2007/webspecials07/audio_slideshows/throat-cancer/

http://www.tboblogs.com/index.php/newswire/story/cab-drivers-throat-cut-2-arrested/
   
http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=888&dat=20071013&id=dCUxAAAAIBAJ&sjid=rnQDAAAAIBAJ&pg=5874,1797576

http://www.sptimes.com/2007/11/19/Southpinellas/Cancer_claims_hardy_c.shtml

As our paths crossed one final time I was requested to be the one to speak at his funeral.  Seems odd I know, but even more odd, it was one of the greatest privileges I ever received. To provide love and forgiveness for a man who deserved none of it.  As a follower of Christ there is no higher honor.

His Eulogy

Some of you may know me but many of you may not. I am Dwayne’s ex wife and probably the last one any of you would expect to be speaking tonight.  But if there’s one person, aside from Kristina, who saw and knew the worst and best of Dwayne, it was me.  And tonight, I want to share with you the best and I also want to share Dwayne’s heart with you.

We’ve all read the newspaper and we are aware of Dwayne’s past, much by his own admission. We’ve also all made mistakes in our lives but I think if Dwayne were here he’d say he had most of us beat. 

The years I spent with Dwayne were obviously not very good ones.  He always  had a problem with anger, drinking and drugs, but beyond all of that, I believe his biggest challenge in life was himself.  You see, every time Dwayne messed up in his life is all I ever saw in him was pain and disappointment.  He hated who he was sometimes, sometimes so much so that he would just choose to run away from everything.  I also watched him fight like crazy to change and for years I also watched him fail.  His problem was, he was always fighting in his own strength.

Like I said before, everyone knew the old Dwayne. The Dwayne that always looked out for himself alone, but tonight, I want to make sure you all know and remember the real Dwayne.  The self-less man who died fighting for his wife and daughter. The compassionate man who loved his family endlessly. And the fear less man who looked cancer in the face and boldly fought on.

You see, one of the first conversations I had with Dwayne once we re-connected he shared with me his story.  He was trying so hard to get his life in order and to begin living right since his diagnosis.  He shared that the first step he took was to attend church.  He then went on to tell me about one particular Sunday.  On this day he said he sat in church and it was as if no one else was around him. It seemed as if the pastor was speaking just to him.  He said in that moment he knew he needed to surrender his life to Christ. He was done fighting in his own strength and he knew he needed the Lords.  In that moment of surrender his life changed forever. His cancer was no longer terminal for his life would then become eternal.

From then on every conversation we had was about God.  His words astounded me, so much so that I even wrote many of them down.  To hear the man who battled such anger for so long say “ For the first time in my life I can lay my head on my pillow at night and rest because I know I’m forgiven.”  That just amazed me, but what’s even more amazing is that I understood exactly what he meant.  My life was never much better than his, but 7 years ago when I surrendered my own life to Christ I too understood what it was like to finally rest.

He also said “ For the first time in my life I want to get up in the morning.”  Now remember, this is coming from a man with cancer, a painful cancer at that.  That kind of sustaining and joy can only come from the Lord.  Is all Dwayne wanted was, in his own  words, “to tell his story to everyone he came into contact with.”  He truly wanted the world to know all that God had done in his life.

I realize many of you many not have gotten to see this transformation in Dwayne and I also know many of you may be a bit skeptical, but let me stand before you as a woman who knew his worst side and tell you, I’ve seen it and I believe it.  God has transformed my own life as well and I will never underestimate His power.

I also know many of you are questioning God right now and wondering why this happened.  Let me offer you this…God will allow what He hates to accomplish what He loves.  Yes, God hates cancer and suffering but He loves salvation and changed lives.  Cancer, as nasty as it is, is the very thing that saved Dwayne’s life and I know he was grateful for it.

I know Dwayne did not die a perfect man but I also know he did die a forgiven one.  I also know how many regrets he had but in speaking with him, his biggest regret by far was not coming to know the Lord 20 years ago.  It then became his burden to go forward and share the unconditional love of God that he found with everyone whom he knew.  Sadly, his time was cut short..so please, allow me to stand in the gap and tell all of you whom he knew and dearly loved. Don’t wait like he did. Give your life over to the very One who created you.  Dwayne would tell you, it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.

In closing, I will share with you what Dwayne said “ If I die today I am so grateful to have been able to live for even this short amount of time knowing the Lord. I want to share Him for the rest of my life.”

And today, I believe he did just that.

Dwayne, you will always live on in our hearts and be remembered as a strong man who fought for his wife and daughter, as a compassionate , self-less man who set his own needs aside and as an example of what it means to truly live. This world will miss you greatly.