The Stand

This was it, by far one of the most intimidating moments of my life.  The scene is one I will always remember.  It was a room filled with a crowd of people, mostly strangers for whom this was just a day that got them out of work.  Another part of the room was all business.  Lawyers I knew, but not well enough to trust my future with, a fully wardrobed judge and an officer. For them, this was just another ordinary day. It was their job to be there. The part of the room that most gripped my heart was the one that was filled with faces I recognized, but also faces I did not want to see.  The face of my ex, the faces of his family, which by the way, all had eyes that could have burned holes right through my skin.  Along with them, there was also the face of his witness.  The very witness who should have stepped in that night, but didn't.  The witness who did not stand up for me then, and was about to stand against me now.  It was those faces that intimidated me the most.  

My mind was swirling with doubt and fear.  Was this my life?  Was this really happening?  Can't this all just go away?  Round and round these thoughts circled leaving me with the feeling of wanting to just get up and run away.  After all, running seemed to be a common desire of mine.  I guess it was the only familiar thing I had to stop any pain in my life.  I just wanted it to end.  I was beginning to doubt myself and it would be so much easier if I just gave up. However, my time was out. There would be no running, there would be no giving up. Court was now in session.

I took the stand first.  My knees were buckling, and I was sure I was visibly shaking.  I kept drinking my cup of water placed before me, not because I was thristy but because it gave me something to focus on.  My state prosecutor began his line of questioning, allowing me to share the events that took place.  I hated retelling the story.  I hated it for me and I hated it for my ex.  This should never have happened.  This was not what I planned for my life or for the life of my daughter.  My emotions were becoming overwhelming and I was beginning to unravel, until one specific moment.  A moment when I glanced out into the crowd and laid my eyes on Christopher.  He gave me a look that spoke life into me.  With his eyes alone, he told me that I was not alone, that he was there fighting for me, and regardless of how this all turned out everything was going to be okay.  His eyes went back and forth between mine and the man's I was fighting against.  His eyes showed zero fear, and that is exactly what I needed....fearlessness.  I was scared, overwhelmed, and emotionally bankrupt, but in those eyes I could press on.  So, that's exactly what I did. I told my story and recalled every detail of that night.  When the time came I managed to lift my shaky finger and point at the accused man that was my husband, and did so all the while looking him square in the eyes.  My finger may have shook but my eyes were strong.  When it came time for his attorney's questions, I felt confident.  His questions were almost silly.  I could tell he was grasping at straws, as there was no lying about the evidence and all of the reports.  He had nothing to work with. Christopher's eyes were right.

As surely as I gained my confidence, it dwindled away as soon as my ex took the stand.  My confidence turned into rage, then into sadness, and back into rage. There he sat, giving his side of the story, under oath, and it was filled with lies.  Not one part of it was familiar.  I was beside myself and wanting to stand up and scream.  He was lying about me, he was discrediting me, and he was devalueing me.  I felt like a victim all over again.  My lawyer's questioning was good, but it was not great.  I felt as if I could have done a better job myself, for I knew specific questions to which he could not answer.  It literally took everything in me not to stand up and say the things that needed to be said.

Next, his witness took the stand. As soon as the questioning began, it was obvious that it was going nowhere fast.  Between the night and day stories from him and I, the witness could not choose either side.  Several of their answers were coming out vague and confusing. They ended up stepping down, claiming that they really did not remember anything about that night. I was glad he lost his witness, but also so aggravated that he could basically un-do my testimony and lie before the court. At this point I was done.  I had said all I was allowed to say and so had he.

We stepped out of the court room and I knew court did not end well for me.  It ended on a lie, it ended with his side.  It ended with gloating from his family, as well as name calling and lots of yelling.  I was being accused of being a liar and I was devestated.  I wanted a chance to defend myself.  I knew there was no way I was going to win.  Truth was not going to prevail and there was nothing more I could do.  There was no need for me to stay around and wait for the verdict.  The last thing I wanted was to have people yelling at me and cheering as my life unraveled, and for that reason I simply went home....defeated.