The Verdict

The ride home was a long one.  I knew I had started once again on my journey of defeat.  Every single detail of the court room, the faces and the testimonies, were all on a reel that just kept playing over and over in my head.  It was like a bad movie, a really bad movie, and I couldn't help but be filled with regret.  Regret of what I should have said, but didn't. Regret of what was said that shouldn't have been. Mainly, regret about showing up in general.  I was in the throws of another "I told you so" moment.  I knew that was going to happen.  It always did, no matter how hard I tried at anything, it never seemed to work out.  Fighting was pointless.  Running was better, and I knew at this momemt, I should have just ran.

We made it back to my apartment and I sat on my bed in tears.  Christopher's job was simply to listen.  He knew that anything positive he offered was going to be shot down before it ever fully left his mouth.  At that time in my life, and in fact, for many years later, I was an all or nothing kind of girl, mostly nothing.  I did not believe in the positive. My life just wouldn't allow me to trust in anything good.  That is why these moments of defeat were so hard.  It costs me a lot to fight and to go after something better. Then when I didn't receive it, it was a much harder fall.  My thinking was that if I didn't go after anything, then I could not be dissapointed  when I didn't receive it.  This was a much safer plan, and on that day, I knew I should have followed it.

There I sat, a balled up mess next to a man who was comforting me the best he could.  At the very least that day, I felt embarrassed, unworthy, and flat out stupid.  What were people going to think about me?  Were they going to believe my ex and think I was lying about all of those years?  I really felt like a fool.  On the same hand, I was fully aware I was sitting next to a man who was not leaving, a man who was loving me despite all of this.  Loving me, despite what I knew to be true about myself.  I wanted so badly to embrace that truth but I knew the risk was too high and the fall would be too hard.  Instead, I continued to ball up and cry....until the phone rang.

"Hello". 
"Hi Jamie?"   
"Yes"?
"This is "your lawyer", I wanted to tell you that shortly after you left the jury returned and they returned with a verdict of guilty. GUILTY!"
Blah blah blah...no idea how this conversation continued.

Are you kidding me??? They found him guilty?!  I could not believe it.  That balled up mess of a girl was now frantically running around the room, not having any idea how to react.  I wanted to scream, in fact, I think I did.  I was ecstatic!  The first thing I chose to do was completely out of character for me.  I picked up the phone and I called Christopher's mother.  I shared the news and then thanked her for raising such an amazing man.  I may have won my case, but deep down I knew he was the reason and I needed to thank somebody for that!

Turns out my day in court, my day of fighting, was worth it.  My ex was sentenced to several years in prison, effective immediately.  He was taken away that day. While the doors of his cell closed, I was hoping mine would now open.