Smart Enough

Here I am, newly married, Alicia newly adopted, first home bought, my past behind me (well, mostly for now), life is settling down and it is good.  I am working, my husband is working, bills are being paid, Alicia is stinkin' adorable and yet there is still something unsettling, something left uncompleted. I was having a hard time ignoring it and at the same time I was so afraid of dealing with it.

So, let me take you back....
   
I'm a 15 year old girl midway through 10th grade.  My life is spiraling out of control for several reasons, some which will be revealed later.  But for now, let's just say I was missing quite a bit of school.  On top of everything else, I am suddenly finding myself in the middle of a health crisis which resulted in missing even more school.  Long story short, the decision was made for me to drop out of high school in the middle of my sophmore year. 

Obviously this was not a good decision.  Previously, I was an honor role student with a knack and love for writing, but the more time went on I lost that confidence.  I went from being a good student to one who felt so inept and so far behind that catching up didn't even seem like an option.  I wanted so badly to stay and catch up but I also wanted to end all of the failing I was doing...with my grades and my life.  So, it was settled, I was to become a high school drop out before the age of 16. 

Life got scrambled up some more but I always managed to hang on.  I moved out, got a job and held on by the skin of my teeth (if you missed this part of my life please feel free to go back and read previous posts http://allbecauseofhope.blogspot.com/2012/04/big-news.html).  I tried to pretend the best I could that life was going well but I always knew it never was.  I was young, I was naive and I had to come to terms with the fact that I was also a quitter.  I seemed to quit a lot in my life but it never set well with my spirit.  No matter how long it took me I always managed to fight and pick myself back up.

Fast Forward to my newly married life…. 

Yes, I was working, I was a homeowner and a mom, but one thing I was not was a high school graduate.  This was soon to change.  I made the terrifying decision to not just get a GED but instead to go back and complete school.  Yes friends, at the age of 24 I re-entered the 10^th grade.  No, I didn’t walk into school but I did receive all of my books at home and started working my tail off.  I literally home schooled myself.  It proved to be very difficult and humbling.  I cannot explain what goes through your mind and emotions when you are trying to grasp a 10 grade math problem at the age of 24 and are struggling with it.  I felt like an idiot, I felt as if my incompetence was being thrown in my face and I shed many tears.  I wanted to quit at least 100 times but never did.  In the end, I managed to work, be a mom, go through another grueling pregnancy and within a couple of years and a baby on my hip, I became a high school graduate.  Against all odds, I graduated!!

Here I sit today, sometimes still feeling stupid or incompetent just like I did at the age of 15.  I also realize there is no making up the years that I missed growing my mind as a teenager, and to be honest, that is a painful truth. However despite how I may feel at times, I allow the truth to speak louder than my emotions.  I know I’m not as dumb as I feel and at the end of the day I do have a diploma.  The crazy thing is, I not only have one diploma but I have two and am working on my third!  Yes, friends I am almost finished with my Master’s degree and am incredibly humbled and yet at the same time incredibly proud that I did it.  I actually did it!