Saturday, October 27, 2012

Expectations

Life was moving along fairly well, in fact very well considering what I was previously used to.  I now had my diploma, I had my three beautiful kids and a loving husband.  We were homeowners and we both had decent jobs.  However despite all of these things, there was a problem.  No matter how much we seemed to have, it never seemed to be enough to make me anything other than momentarily happy.  I look back on these years and like to think that we were happy and that I was a good wife, and to a certain point we were and I was.  Loving my husband was never a problem but it seemed seeing the truth was. 

I had a husband who loved me so much and was nothing short of amazing and yet he still wasn't enough.  All of these years, I longed to be in the exact place in life that I was.  I longed for this place because this was the place where my hurts were to be healed, my joy was to be restored and peace would enter in, yet for some reason this wasn't happening.  My expectations were not being fulfilled.  No matter how great my husband was I still found myself constantly aggravated with a desire to fight.  I suppose some of that may have been self protecting to push him away before he did me, but I believe it honestly was more me being mad because despite having the life I dreamed of I still wasn't happy.   

My husband was a saint, at least in my eyes, but I could be so mean and get so easily frustrated.  I constantly snapped and was overwhelmed all the time.  I developed this perfectionistic lifestyle where everything had to be just so, and having 3 young children in the house made that nothing short of impossible.  I basically was setting myself up to fail, I just didn't realize it.  I really believed that if I could perfect things then all would be well.  This could not have been farther from the truth.  There was no organizational skill, no body size, no amount of cleanliness that I could achieve that would help me find the contentment in life I was looking for.  The joy of perfection would last only a moment before I had to chase after it again. I was caught in a never ending cycle....hence all of my frustration.

In between, we really had some great moments.  Like I said, I had and still do have tremendous love for my husband and my children.  We've always played, vacationed and had fun together (well, at least until something made me upset).  Honestly, I believe  it was that tremendous love that we shared that always left me discontent.  Not because I didn't enjoy it but because I had a deep desperation for more of it.  I had such a great void and I so desired my husband to fill it.  The only problem was, he couldn't.

Our marriage continued for about 5 years and we went on many emotional rollercoasters. I continued to seek out more and more of my husband and my children trying in an attempt to fill that void in my life.  I kept hoping that a little would go a long way and yet it never did.  As quickly as I was filled, I was emptied.  In my search for more family time I even brought up the idea of going to church.  I thought it would be a great thing to go to church together and then enjoy lunch afterwards.  It would be a scheduled family day.  By now, I had well trained my husband to not rock the boat, so he got on board quickly.  As desperate as I was for him to love me more, he was equally desperate to do so.  In fact, he still is. 

So with that, we were off to church! 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Smart Enough

Here I am, newly married, Alicia newly adopted, first home bought, my past behind me (well, mostly for now), life is settling down and it is good.  I am working, my husband is working, bills are being paid, Alicia is stinkin' adorable and yet there is still something unsettling, something left uncompleted. I was having a hard time ignoring it and at the same time I was so afraid of dealing with it.

So, let me take you back....
   
I'm a 15 year old girl midway through 10th grade.  My life is spiraling out of control for several reasons, some which will be revealed later.  But for now, let's just say I was missing quite a bit of school.  On top of everything else, I am suddenly finding myself in the middle of a health crisis which resulted in missing even more school.  Long story short, the decision was made for me to drop out of high school in the middle of my sophmore year. 

Obviously this was not a good decision.  Previously, I was an honor role student with a knack and love for writing, but the more time went on I lost that confidence.  I went from being a good student to one who felt so inept and so far behind that catching up didn't even seem like an option.  I wanted so badly to stay and catch up but I also wanted to end all of the failing I was doing...with my grades and my life.  So, it was settled, I was to become a high school drop out before the age of 16. 

Life got scrambled up some more but I always managed to hang on.  I moved out, got a job and held on by the skin of my teeth (if you missed this part of my life please feel free to go back and read previous posts http://allbecauseofhope.blogspot.com/2012/04/big-news.html).  I tried to pretend the best I could that life was going well but I always knew it never was.  I was young, I was naive and I had to come to terms with the fact that I was also a quitter.  I seemed to quit a lot in my life but it never set well with my spirit.  No matter how long it took me I always managed to fight and pick myself back up.

Fast Forward to my newly married life…. 

Yes, I was working, I was a homeowner and a mom, but one thing I was not was a high school graduate.  This was soon to change.  I made the terrifying decision to not just get a GED but instead to go back and complete school.  Yes friends, at the age of 24 I re-entered the 10th grade.  No, I didn’t walk into school but I did receive all of my books at home and started working my tail off.  I literally home schooled myself.  It proved to be very difficult and humbling.  I cannot explain what goes through your mind and emotions when you are trying to grasp a 10 grade math problem at the age of 24 and are struggling with it.  I felt like an idiot, I felt as if my incompetence was being thrown in my face and I shed many tears.  I wanted to quit at least 100 times but never did.  In the end, I managed to work, be a mom, go through another grueling pregnancy and within a couple of years and a baby on my hip, I became a high school graduate.  Against all odds, I graduated!!

Here I sit today, sometimes still feeling stupid or incompetent just like I did at the age of 15.  I also realize there is no making up the years that I missed growing my mind as a teenager, and to be honest, that is a painful truth. However despite how I may feel at times, I allow the truth to speak louder than my emotions.  I know I’m not as dumb as I feel and at the end of the day I do have a diploma.  The crazy thing is, I not only have one diploma but I have two and am working on my third!  Yes, friends I am almost finished with my Master’s degree and am incredibly humbled and yet at the same time incredibly proud that I did it.  I actually did it!