Resolve

There I sat in my mother's house, just me, Alicia and for a change, a made up mind.  This time was different, I knew it, every bone in my body felt it.  There would be no running back, there would be no reconciliation, this was it.  This battle was no longer about me, it was about my child.   Everything was different.  I may have felt the same fear, experienced the same sadness and had the same worries of being alone but it no longer mattered, what mattered was Alicia. 

So there I sat trying to put the pieces of my life back together slowly realizing that I barely had any pieces to work with.  All the while, the next couple of weeks were going to be torment.  It was hard to go anywhere without always looking over my shoulder.  It was hard to shake the fear of what the future might hold, and sadly it was hard not receiving any phone calls.  I had to come to terms with the fact that even this flawed man didn't seem to find me worthy of fighting for.  However, I still had my resolve and I was not looking back.  My emotions were no longer going to rule my life.  I had no where to go but forward, so there I went, piece by piece.

It wasn't long into my leaving, maybe a week, that I woke up to find an article in the paper that spoke of another crime my husband had committed that led to his immediate arrest.  As I think back on that moment I don't even know how I managed to breathe a sigh of relief and feel such pain and sorrow all at the same time.  It was such a surreal moment for me and I could not believe that was the place where my life had taken me.  It was painful, it was embarassing and it was another moment that grew my resolve even more. 

As a couple of weeks passed by I would lay on the bed each night in my childhood room with my sweet little Alicia lying next to me.  I would feel all of the pain of my circumstances but somehow each time I snuggled her in or rocked her in my arms the pain would disipate and my eyes and heart would focus on her.  The smell of her sweet little head always seemed to wash a calm right over me.  I would see the joy in her eyes and the sweet innocence of being oblivious to how cruel this world could be.  She would lay there and smile having no idea her father was in jail and that her mother was emotionally overwhelmed and hopeless.  She had no idea that each time I held her she was breathing hope back into my life. One thing I do hope is that what she did know was that she had a mother who loved her and who would do anything for her.  She had a mother with resolve.  Resolve to fight, resolve to move forward and resolve to give her the life she deserved and for that she could continue to have peace. 

So just hang tight sweet Alicia, a new day is coming....