At this place in my life Alicia was a little over 1 and as precious as ever. She was always laughing and playing and her joyful personality was already developed. If she was ever fussy it would be as simple as rocking her with a sweet hum or driving her around in the car to drift her off to sleep. Funny thing is, even at the age of 21, it still only takes about 5 minutes to put her to sleep on car rides. However, as joyful and pleasant as Alicia was, I could not say the same for my life. At the time I was newly married to a man that I had been with for about 5 years. Our relationship was never even close to what it should have been. Instead of love, it was filled with hate , instead of joy it was filled with misery, and instead of happiness it was filled with fear and pain. I found myself trapped and hopeless in a violent marriage.
My daily life was painful. I was with a man who did not cherish me, who did not love me and whom had no control over his anger or his love for alcohol. My life was scattered with one hospital visit after the other and trying to balance an unbalanceable marriage while raising this beautiful child was difficult to say the least. Most of my pain was hidden but also often went public. From my pregnancy on I was abandoned in restaurants when it came time for the check only to not see my husband for the next several days. I was left at home alone for days sick and unable to get off the couch. I was embarrassed by his moments of rage against me or a perfect stranger which often led to his arrest. This was my life, the constant fighting, the drunken rages, the days left alone and the fear of the unknown. I hated it, yet I stayed. I know, this begs the question why, why would someone put up with that? For starters, fear. Yes, I was afraid what he might do because of what he had already done. However, beyond the fear was the deeper issue of my self worth. I stayed because I did not feel worthy of more. I did not believe I could do better and I was desperately afraid of being alone. I can't even say I stayed because I believed he would change, sadly it didn't matter. What I believed was that my situation was hopeless not because of who he was but rather because of who I was.
Unloveable.
I say all of this not to paint my ex husband in a negative light, but simply to share my story. Abuse. It was my life....and sadly it was in front of this precious child....
I'm at a good stopping place for now but hold tight and you'll soon hear the role my precious Alicia played in the next stage of my life.
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