The Choice of a Father

It was just a mere few months into our marriage when one of the best things in the world happened. I had experienced my best day just a few months before and now Alicia was about to have hers.  March16th was her day, the day she officially and legally became a Bailey.  

 

Alicia Lauren Bailey

 

Despite the immense joy of that day and the dramatic way it changed Alicia's life, I don't even think it is a day she remembers.  As far as she knew, this day was really not going to change anything in her life aside from making something she already believed legal. In her eyes, her daddy has always been her daddy.  He has loved her from the very first day he met her and he made sure he let her know it.   I will always remember the transition she made as this sweet little girl who toddled around calling out to Mr. Chris then to Daddy Chris and then to simply Daddy. 

 

I am so grateful that despite the beginnings of our life together (you can read all about it on a previous post http://allbecauseofhope.blogspot.com/2012/04/big-news.html ) she was now going to have the life that she deserved.  A life where she was cherished, adored and always had an open lap to climb upon.  She would never grow up and question whether or not she was loved.  She would always be told she was beautiful and reminded of the preciousness of her sweet little dimple.  Butterfly kisses and "whiskers" would always be lavished upon her and there would never be a shortage of feet larger than hers to stand upon as she danced through the house.  Swinging over curbs between the hands of two people who adored her and being thrown into the air and caught every single time would now become normal parts of her memories.   

 

The most beautiful thing of all of this is that it wasn't necessary.  My husband did not have to adopt her to be all of those things to her.  She was his daughter he dearly loved long before the adoption ever took place.  Legal papers couldn't possibly change that. The sad fact is, she once was abandoned by another, however it was to be a pain that she was never going to know because her daddy never left her side. Sure, things could have gone on without the adoption ever taking place, with the difference of only one thing, one really big thing. Adoption is a choice.  It is a choice that was made where the heart of my husband said to Alicia "I choose you.  I want to be in relationship with you as your father and you as my child.  I choose you to be my daughter".  He didn't adopt her out of obligation, he adopted her because he chose to.  She was simply that precious to him.  Every little girl and even big ones too, long for that kind of love.  The kind of love that says, I know I don't have to, I know you may not feel you deserve it but I still choose you. I will love you, protect you, fight for you and never leave your side.  There are no sweeter words and there is no greater blessing than a Father choosing his child and vowing to love her forever. 

 



October 8th, 1994

October 8th, 1994 turned into being the best day of my life and currently still holds the same title.  This was the day I married Chris Bailey.  After a beautiful proposal on a beachfront boardwalk in Vero Beach, FL I said yes, or maybe it was a little more like YES!!!!!  We chose October 8th because it was the anniversary of my grandparents whom I dearly loved. He gave me the most perfect ring.  I would have accepted far less but he still chose to give me a ring that he felt I deserved.  This was only to be the beginning of him showing his love for me.  

I am still in awe today that a man of my husband's caliber would have chosen me.  I understand that as many of you know me today you might think we are much more of an equal match, but that was far from the truth back on this day. To be honest, I never understood what he saw in me and I certainly didn't feel I had anything to offer him.  In large, almost all of who I am now I owe to the man who promised to love me forever and meant it, on that day 18 years ago.

I never made it easy on him.  I loved him with all my heart, but I still never made it easy. Mostly, because I didn't know how.  I expected him to meet all of my emotional needs, I expected him to pay the price for those who went before him and hurt me, I expected him to fix the entire broken mess that was my life, and when he couldn't, I got really upset. And yet, he still chose to marry me and devote his entire life to me.  Oh, I can't wait to tell you more about this but I would really be skipping too far ahead, so instead I will go on to tell you about this beautiful day.

We were married in a magnificant church and had an amazing reception at a yacht club.  I could not have asked for a better wedding.  My friends walked faithfully by my side and Alicia was the most adorable flower girl ever.  She wore a mini wedding dress and loved every minute of it.  I use to love to watch our wedding video, otherwise known as "The Princess Mommy" movie according to my little girls. It was a spectacular day, and I am so grateful for the memories of it through photos and video.  The video reminds me of the beauty of the day, but it also reminds me of how far I've come.  As I watch the video, specifically as we recited our vows, I can't help but notice our eyes.  His were fixed on mine and mine were unwilling to allow them to be.  I was so happy that he loved me and chose me and yet I was so insecure and felt so unworthy.  Sadly, my eyes showed  every ounce of this.  As he stared directly into my face, I would break eye contact after only a few seconds.  I could only receive mere fragments of the love he had for me.  One glimpse at a time was all I could soak in before I turned away. It is such a sad and yet beautiful thing to watch.  A groom with such a passion to love his bride and a bride who felt so unworthy of receiving it.  This would be our marital dance for many many years.  Him stepping forward, me stepping back. 



This was also a precious day because not only was my husband commiting his life to me but he was doing the same to Alicia.  He looked at her with the same eyes he looked at me with.  Eyes that said I love you more than anything in this world.  The only difference was that she could maintain his gaze and trust it completely as I simply could not. 

It took no time at all for her to become a daddy's girl.  He made that really easy. I remember the sweetest moment at the end of our wedding as we prepared to leave for our honeymoon.  Alicia stood there in her pretty little dress with beautiful hair that had fallen from her updo and was left in long curls.  There she stood with tears streaming down her face.  I bent down and asked her what was wrong.  She wrapped her arms tightly around us both and answered in broken words through her tears saying how much she was going to miss us .  We hugged her back and told her that it was okay because we would be home in a week.  In an instant her tears broke and her joy returned as she looked up and said "Oh, you're coming back?" This sweet little child thought we were leaving her and never returning. You can't imagine the peace in my heart as I could assure her that no, Alicia, we're not leaving you, not now, not ever.



The Real Us

Court was over, justice had been served, and now, finally, I could really begin anew.  BUT, before I move forward in my story, I just want to take a pause from all the drama and give you a glimpse into the real us.  You've been hearing our story, but you'll end up missing a lot if I am not able to portray who we were. The 2 years following the court date was spent fully enjoying my little Alicia as she began to talk more and was becoming pretty active.  She proved to be the most amazing and the most adorable child ever.  Even back then she lit up any room she walked into.  Her personality was nothing like mine.  She was spunky, full of joy, bubbly, and a non stop chatter box who absolutely adored attention. I, on the other hand, was fairly quiet, sarcastically funny, and way too analytical and simply wanted to fade into the shadows. Alicia was definitely a mix-the-play-doh-colors kind of kid.  For me, just learning how to sit back and allow the blues and yellows to morph together proved to be quite the challenge.  To her they made green, to me, they made a mess! 



 That's me on the left not so thrilled with chocolate all over my face...and then's there's Alicia on the right embracing every moment of it!



And yet again, me on the left and Alicia on the right. Our dispositions are just a little bit different!

Even as a young toddler, there was so much I needed to learn from Alicia.  Every quality she possessed, I seemed to need.  Yes, many of those things drove me crazy, her desire to color outside of the lines, wear cowgirl boots with everything, not care about having spilled mustard all over her shirt, and even her need to talk to anyone she met as if they were her best friend ever. Her only response to the question we frequently asked, "Who loves Alicia?", was always a big cheesy "Everybody!" (otherwise heard as Evreee budddyyy) and boy was she was right.  Everybody did love Alicia. Truth be told, even back then I would have given anything to be like her.  In fact, if the same question had been posed to me about myself it would have been evident that her evreebuddyyy would have been a stark contrast to my nobody.

 For the record, she was never asked to wave. She was merely waving to her audience!

While Alicia continued to grow into her toddler and preschool years, I continued to stay safe and keep my crayons inside the lines.  While she joyfully scribbled all over and enjoyed what she saw as beauty, I spent my time ripping up what I saw as my ruined papers.  I so wish I could see the world and see people like Alicia did.  Her world was full of adventure, mine was full of risks that were likely to turn into worse case scenarios.  Everyone she knew was her BFF, everyone I knew was out to get me.  She had the ability to dance around the room singing as she pretended to be Anastasia, never thinking twice about who might be watching.  I would never dare to dream of being a princess, and it certainly would never come to my mind to dance so freely. 

Alicia had a joy and a freedom that I wanted. Each year as she grew, I knew I wanted it more and more.  I like to think I was always a good mom.  I loved her tremendously, I took good care of her, and I put her needs before my own.  I think I did all the things a mom should do. However, when it comes to teaching, I believe it was Alicia who was teaching me.  She was teaching me to lighten up, to enjoy life and to love people.  Her glass was always half full, if not filled to the brim and overflowing.  I needed that quality, I needed it badly, for my glass only contained a few drops.  To be honest, I'm still learning from her and I cherish every last one of the lessons she's taught me.  Are we still different?  Sure.  We always have been, but I think that is what has always made our relationship so beautiful. In fact, it still does.