Resolve

There I sat in my mother's house, just me, Alicia and for a change, a made up mind.  This time was different, I knew it, every bone in my body felt it.  There would be no running back, there would be no reconciliation, this was it.  This battle was no longer about me, it was about my child.   Everything was different.  I may have felt the same fear, experienced the same sadness and had the same worries of being alone but it no longer mattered, what mattered was Alicia. 

So there I sat trying to put the pieces of my life back together slowly realizing that I barely had any pieces to work with.  All the while, the next couple of weeks were going to be torment.  It was hard to go anywhere without always looking over my shoulder.  It was hard to shake the fear of what the future might hold, and sadly it was hard not receiving any phone calls.  I had to come to terms with the fact that even this flawed man didn't seem to find me worthy of fighting for.  However, I still had my resolve and I was not looking back.  My emotions were no longer going to rule my life.  I had no where to go but forward, so there I went, piece by piece.

It wasn't long into my leaving, maybe a week, that I woke up to find an article in the paper that spoke of another crime my husband had committed that led to his immediate arrest.  As I think back on that moment I don't even know how I managed to breathe a sigh of relief and feel such pain and sorrow all at the same time.  It was such a surreal moment for me and I could not believe that was the place where my life had taken me.  It was painful, it was embarassing and it was another moment that grew my resolve even more. 

As a couple of weeks passed by I would lay on the bed each night in my childhood room with my sweet little Alicia lying next to me.  I would feel all of the pain of my circumstances but somehow each time I snuggled her in or rocked her in my arms the pain would disipate and my eyes and heart would focus on her.  The smell of her sweet little head always seemed to wash a calm right over me.  I would see the joy in her eyes and the sweet innocence of being oblivious to how cruel this world could be.  She would lay there and smile having no idea her father was in jail and that her mother was emotionally overwhelmed and hopeless.  She had no idea that each time I held her she was breathing hope back into my life. One thing I do hope is that what she did know was that she had a mother who loved her and who would do anything for her.  She had a mother with resolve.  Resolve to fight, resolve to move forward and resolve to give her the life she deserved and for that she could continue to have peace. 

So just hang tight sweet Alicia, a new day is coming....

   

Enough...

Unloveable.  The word I believed of myself.  The word that prompted me to stay in a place that was void of anything resembling love.  The word that kept me trapped and hopeless for years of my life. The word that dictated my joy, my happiness, my worth, or lack thereof. The word that was about to change my life all because of my precious gift of Alicia.   

I remember the day clearly, the day everything changed.  I was in my two bedroom apartment on the third floor.  Anyone outside the door thought there was a young family with a new baby girl and a cute little dog that lived behind the walls.  What they didn't know was the truth.  That young family was desperately and rapidly falling apart.  The husband battled a lifetime of insecurities that led to alchoholism and rage, the wife was held captive to fear and the feeling of having no value, the baby girl was still full of life and joy but now she was in jeopardy, and the dog, well, he was about to change everything too.

It was early evening and we were experiencing the normal chaos behind our walls when somehow my sweet little dog did something to upset my husband and before I knew it my dog was yelping.  I remember thinking to myself "Did he really just hurt my dog"? and then like being hit with a two by four, I remember this voice "If he will hurt your dog, he will hurt your child".  In that one moment, everything inside me screamed "ENOUGH"! That was it, the next day my bags were packed with as much as I could manage and I was gone.      

As I recall this day I sit here in tears as I type.  I cry not because of the pain of the day but because of my great love for my child.  You see, I never believed I was worth more than the life I was living but one thing I knew for sure was that my child was.  She deserved to know she was loved.  Somehow through the years I may have allowed it to be okay for me to be abused but there was no way in this world I would allow that same abuse to fall upon my beautiful Alicia.  I now was given a purpose and it was clear.  She was meant to be my    child and I was meant to be her Mom.  I loved her from the moment I knew she existed, I carried her for 9 months, I endured sickness and disease for her and now it was my job to continue to protect, nurture, love and guide her into a life of peace and security, no matter what the cost...and whatever it was I was finally ready to pay it.  

So it was on that day, many years ago that the very first raindrop from heaven fell upon that beautiful seed of hope that was planted in my life on July 18th, 1990 and it began to be watered.        



To be continued...

Trapped & Hopeless

As I continue to reflect on my life and all of it's happenings I am still left wondering where all the time went.  It seemed like just days ago that I had a sweet, snuggly infant and now I am writing a blog during the season of her upcoming wedding. It just doesn't seem possible!  Yet, as fast as it seems to have flown by, I surely remember days where it seemed like time couldn't move fast enough.  Those were some miserable days, days that kept me feeling trapped and hopeless.  Hmm, trapped and hopeless, seems like the perfect place to start explaining my journey.


At this place in my life Alicia was a little over 1 and as precious as ever.  She was always laughing and playing and her joyful personality was already developed.  If she was ever fussy it would be as simple as rocking her with a sweet hum or driving her around in the car to drift her off to sleep.   Funny thing is, even at the age of 21, it still only takes about 5 minutes to put her to sleep on car rides.  However, as joyful and pleasant as Alicia was, I could not say the same for my life.  At the time I was newly married to a man that I had been with for about 5 years.  Our relationship was never even close to what it should have been.  Instead of love, it was filled with hate , instead of joy it was filled with misery, and instead of happiness it was filled with fear and pain.  I found myself trapped and hopeless in a violent marriage.

My daily life was painful.  I was with a man who did not cherish me, who did not love me and whom had no control over his anger or his love for alcohol.  My life was scattered with one hospital visit after the other and trying to balance an unbalanceable marriage while raising this beautiful child was difficult to say the least.  Most of my pain was hidden but also often went public.  From my pregnancy on I was abandoned in restaurants when it came time for the check only to not see my husband for the next several days.  I was left at home alone for days sick and unable to get off the couch.  I was embarrassed by his moments of rage against me or a perfect stranger which often led to his arrest.   This was my life, the constant fighting, the drunken rages, the days left alone and the fear of the unknown.  I hated it, yet I stayed.  I know, this begs the question why, why would someone put up with that? For starters, fear.  Yes, I was afraid what he might do because of what he had already done.  However, beyond the fear was the deeper issue of my self worth.  I stayed because I did not feel worthy of more.  I did not believe I could do better and I was desperately afraid of being alone.  I can't even say I stayed because I believed he would change, sadly it didn't matter.  What I believed was that my situation was hopeless not because of who he was but rather because of who I was. 

Unloveable.

I say all of this not to paint my ex husband in a negative light, but simply to share my story.  Abuse.  It was my life....and sadly it was in front of this precious child....

 
I'm at a good stopping place for now but hold tight and you'll soon hear the role my precious Alicia played in the next stage of my life. 

Big News

As most of you know by now the Bailey family has recently had a BIG announcement, the engagement of our daughter, Alicia.  Be sure to watch the video attachments with their T.V interview and the Big Proposal!

Right This Minute ABC Interview

The Proposal

We are beyond excited for this upcoming special day and even more excited because of who she will be spending this day and the rest of her life with, a man named Chad.  Chris is excited because he finally gets a boy!  I am excited because she gets a man, who is just like my husband.  With this excitement also come some emotions and a time of reflection for me.  You see, Alicia is my life changing baby and there is a bond between us that can never be broken. Therefore, I thought I would use this blog as a small way to pay tribute to my precious child and to our great God as I tell our story through the upcoming days and pages.  There is much the world needs to know about them both.

It was late evening July 17^th, 1990 that I felt the first of many child bearing pains.  It wouldn’t be until the next day I would hold a sweet baby in my arms that was delivered in the same hospital I was and by the exact same doctor.  As I reflect on that day I am fully aware and confident that it was July 18^th, 1990 at 3:30 in the afternoon that God planted the very first seed of hope in my life, and her name was Alicia. 

(FYI, that's a picture blemish above her eye)

 As I sat in that hospital room I was flooded with many emotions, along with a huge craving for spaghetti, which by the way did not work out so well for me!  I had such joy and excitement along with such worry and fear.  By no means was I your typical mom.  I was a teenager who carried with her a life of hurts and struggles, and I was a broken girl in a very broken relationship.  I wasn’t alone but yet I felt so very alone.  I was still a young girl myself who now was expected to be a mom.  I was so overwhelmed by the task but yet also felt so capable, not because I was but rather because I knew I would be out of my great love for my child.  When I stared down into her sweet little green and bloodshot eyes and rubbed her mostly bald head I knew at that moment there was nothing I wouldn’t do her.  Alicia made me come alive.  She brought a fight out in me that I never knew I had.  I knew I wanted so much more for her life even though I was clueless as to how to achieve it.  Little did I know that little seed of hope that was planted was about to be watered and fertilized over the next several years.  It would be a journey like no other, one I would never want to go through again but yet one that I am ever so grateful for. 

As I continue this blog there will be many stories, some of them sad, some of them hard and some of them funny and joyful, but because of God’s grace, all of them full of hope and purpose!  It is impossible for me to tell complete stories in one day without leaving out important details, so I will stop and use today as an introduction and close it with the details of my first 9 months carrying sweet Alicia. 

I first found out I was pregnant a few days before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was when I REALLY found out because I could not stop throwing up.  Little did I know the sickness wouldn’t stop for another 6 months and would only be coupled with gestational diabetes.  I developed a condition called hyperemesis (aka LOTS of vomiting!).  This led to hospitalizations and IV fluids on numerous occasions.  I feel as if I earned every ounce of Alicia’s amazingness!  The whole time I think I gained a mere 23lbs.  As I pull out old pictures of me while I was pregnant I realize how easily I could embarrass Alicia now.  I had big round glasses, bleach blonde BIG hair and wore tie dye t-shirts.  There was however a perk to being a skinny teenage mom, I could fit into regular clothes and be spared of the hideous sailor outfits with big red bows that could only be found in Sears Maternity section.  So for that Alicia, you are welcome! 

(See what I mean about the hair? Yikes!)

When the sickness ended for me I still battled with the diabetes and would stop at Circle K on my way to work and buy a 5lb bag of ice and finish eating it before my day was over.  I would then wake at 3am or so to have my mom crush more ice cubes for me with a hand crusher (oh the days before ice dispensers!).  I also fondly remember each night at 9pm on the dot Alicia would have the hiccups.  This lasted for months!  Besides the ice, I craved vanilla ice cream, even though I was not supposed to have it, and McDonald’s salads.  So my days flew by with much relationship turmoil, throwing up, eating ice, dressing like an 80’s pregnant Diva and painting a nursery purple while climbing a ladder to put a little sheep border up with my mom.  Some days were fun, but most were very stressful, regardless, every single day was worth it. 

Finally, Alicia came into this world after 17 hours of labor, a week early and weighing 7lbs and 9oz.  She had squinty little green eyes that were bloodshot from how fast she came out, a round face and hardly any hair.  She was adorable and she was mine.  Over the next 12 months and still to this day, Alicia being in my life changed everything and I mean everything! I can’t wait to share more with you later!!