Monday, August 20, 2012

October 8th, 1994

October 8th, 1994 turned into being the best day of my life and currently still holds the same title.  This was the day I married Chris Bailey.  After a beautiful proposal on a beachfront boardwalk in Vero Beach, FL I said yes, or maybe it was a little more like YES!!!!!  We chose October 8th because it was the anniversary of my grandparents whom I dearly loved. He gave me the most perfect ring.  I would have accepted far less but he still chose to give me a ring that he felt I deserved.  This was only to be the beginning of him showing his love for me.  

I am still in awe today that a man of my husband's caliber would have chosen me.  I understand that as many of you know me today you might think we are much more of an equal match, but that was far from the truth back on this day. To be honest, I never understood what he saw in me and I certainly didn't feel I had anything to offer him.  In large, almost all of who I am now I owe to the man who promised to love me forever and meant it, on that day 18 years ago.

I never made it easy on him.  I loved him with all my heart, but I still never made it easy. Mostly, because I didn't know how.  I expected him to meet all of my emotional needs, I expected him to pay the price for those who went before him and hurt me, I expected him to fix the entire broken mess that was my life, and when he couldn't, I got really upset. And yet, he still chose to marry me and devote his entire life to me.  Oh, I can't wait to tell you more about this but I would really be skipping too far ahead, so instead I will go on to tell you about this beautiful day.

We were married in a magnificant church and had an amazing reception at a yacht club.  I could not have asked for a better wedding.  My friends walked faithfully by my side and Alicia was the most adorable flower girl ever.  She wore a mini wedding dress and loved every minute of it.  I use to love to watch our wedding video, otherwise known as "The Princess Mommy" movie according to my little girls. It was a spectacular day, and I am so grateful for the memories of it through photos and video.  The video reminds me of the beauty of the day, but it also reminds me of how far I've come.  As I watch the video, specifically as we recited our vows, I can't help but notice our eyes.  His were fixed on mine and mine were unwilling to allow them to be.  I was so happy that he loved me and chose me and yet I was so insecure and felt so unworthy.  Sadly, my eyes showed  every ounce of this.  As he stared directly into my face, I would break eye contact after only a few seconds.  I could only receive mere fragments of the love he had for me.  One glimpse at a time was all I could soak in before I turned away. It is such a sad and yet beautiful thing to watch.  A groom with such a passion to love his bride and a bride who felt so unworthy of receiving it.  This would be our marital dance for many many years.  Him stepping forward, me stepping back. 





This was also a precious day because not only was my husband commiting his life to me but he was doing the same to Alicia.  He looked at her with the same eyes he looked at me with.  Eyes that said I love you more than anything in this world.  The only difference was that she could maintain his gaze and trust it completely as I simply could not. 

It took no time at all for her to become a daddy's girl.  He made that really easy. I remember the sweetest moment at the end of our wedding as we prepared to leave for our honeymoon.  Alicia stood there in her pretty little dress with beautiful hair that had fallen from her updo and was left in long curls.  There she stood with tears streaming down her face.  I bent down and asked her what was wrong.  She wrapped her arms tightly around us both and answered in broken words through her tears saying how much she was going to miss us .  We hugged her back and told her that it was okay because we would be home in a week.  In an instant her tears broke and her joy returned as she looked up and said "Oh, you're coming back?" This sweet little child thought we were leaving her and never returning. You can't imagine the peace in my heart as I could assure her that no, Alicia, we're not leaving you, not now, not ever.



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