The Real Us

Court was over, justice had been served, and now, finally, I could really begin anew.  BUT, before I move forward in my story, I just want to take a pause from all the drama and give you a glimpse into the real us.  You've been hearing our story, but you'll end up missing a lot if I am not able to portray who we were. The 2 years following the court date was spent fully enjoying my little Alicia as she began to talk more and was becoming pretty active.  She proved to be the most amazing and the most adorable child ever.  Even back then she lit up any room she walked into.  Her personality was nothing like mine.  She was spunky, full of joy, bubbly, and a non stop chatter box who absolutely adored attention. I, on the other hand, was fairly quiet, sarcastically funny, and way too analytical and simply wanted to fade into the shadows. Alicia was definitely a mix-the-play-doh-colors kind of kid.  For me, just learning how to sit back and allow the blues and yellows to morph together proved to be quite the challenge.  To her they made green, to me, they made a mess! 



 That's me on the left not so thrilled with chocolate all over my face...and then's there's Alicia on the right embracing every moment of it!



And yet again, me on the left and Alicia on the right. Our dispositions are just a little bit different!

Even as a young toddler, there was so much I needed to learn from Alicia.  Every quality she possessed, I seemed to need.  Yes, many of those things drove me crazy, her desire to color outside of the lines, wear cowgirl boots with everything, not care about having spilled mustard all over her shirt, and even her need to talk to anyone she met as if they were her best friend ever. Her only response to the question we frequently asked, "Who loves Alicia?", was always a big cheesy "Everybody!" (otherwise heard as Evreee budddyyy) and boy was she was right.  Everybody did love Alicia. Truth be told, even back then I would have given anything to be like her.  In fact, if the same question had been posed to me about myself it would have been evident that her evreebuddyyy would have been a stark contrast to my nobody.

 For the record, she was never asked to wave. She was merely waving to her audience!

While Alicia continued to grow into her toddler and preschool years, I continued to stay safe and keep my crayons inside the lines.  While she joyfully scribbled all over and enjoyed what she saw as beauty, I spent my time ripping up what I saw as my ruined papers.  I so wish I could see the world and see people like Alicia did.  Her world was full of adventure, mine was full of risks that were likely to turn into worse case scenarios.  Everyone she knew was her BFF, everyone I knew was out to get me.  She had the ability to dance around the room singing as she pretended to be Anastasia, never thinking twice about who might be watching.  I would never dare to dream of being a princess, and it certainly would never come to my mind to dance so freely. 

Alicia had a joy and a freedom that I wanted. Each year as she grew, I knew I wanted it more and more.  I like to think I was always a good mom.  I loved her tremendously, I took good care of her, and I put her needs before my own.  I think I did all the things a mom should do. However, when it comes to teaching, I believe it was Alicia who was teaching me.  She was teaching me to lighten up, to enjoy life and to love people.  Her glass was always half full, if not filled to the brim and overflowing.  I needed that quality, I needed it badly, for my glass only contained a few drops.  To be honest, I'm still learning from her and I cherish every last one of the lessons she's taught me.  Are we still different?  Sure.  We always have been, but I think that is what has always made our relationship so beautiful. In fact, it still does.