Enough...

Unloveable.  The word I believed of myself.  The word that prompted me to stay in a place that was void of anything resembling love.  The word that kept me trapped and hopeless for years of my life. The word that dictated my joy, my happiness, my worth, or lack thereof. The word that was about to change my life all because of my precious gift of Alicia.   

I remember the day clearly, the day everything changed.  I was in my two bedroom apartment on the third floor.  Anyone outside the door thought there was a young family with a new baby girl and a cute little dog that lived behind the walls.  What they didn't know was the truth.  That young family was desperately and rapidly falling apart.  The husband battled a lifetime of insecurities that led to alchoholism and rage, the wife was held captive to fear and the feeling of having no value, the baby girl was still full of life and joy but now she was in jeopardy, and the dog, well, he was about to change everything too.

It was early evening and we were experiencing the normal chaos behind our walls when somehow my sweet little dog did something to upset my husband and before I knew it my dog was yelping.  I remember thinking to myself "Did he really just hurt my dog"? and then like being hit with a two by four, I remember this voice "If he will hurt your dog, he will hurt your child".  In that one moment, everything inside me screamed "ENOUGH"! That was it, the next day my bags were packed with as much as I could manage and I was gone.      

As I recall this day I sit here in tears as I type.  I cry not because of the pain of the day but because of my great love for my child.  You see, I never believed I was worth more than the life I was living but one thing I knew for sure was that my child was.  She deserved to know she was loved.  Somehow through the years I may have allowed it to be okay for me to be abused but there was no way in this world I would allow that same abuse to fall upon my beautiful Alicia.  I now was given a purpose and it was clear.  She was meant to be my    child and I was meant to be her Mom.  I loved her from the moment I knew she existed, I carried her for 9 months, I endured sickness and disease for her and now it was my job to continue to protect, nurture, love and guide her into a life of peace and security, no matter what the cost...and whatever it was I was finally ready to pay it.  

So it was on that day, many years ago that the very first raindrop from heaven fell upon that beautiful seed of hope that was planted in my life on July 18th, 1990 and it began to be watered.        



To be continued...