The Briefcase

Papers, documents, bills and pictures.  This is what your life consists of when you are about to enter a trial.  Basically, along with all my other "baggage" I was carrying, I now was the new owner of an additional and quite massive briefcase! Papers with court dates, legal documents for signing, bills of property damage and physician visits and pictures of all the evidence.  The fight was on and this briefcase proved it.  The problem was, depsite what it appeared like, I was not a fighter.  I was only learning to become one and the reality of all of this was a lot for me. I was about to enter the court room where my trial for domestic violence was to take place and although my briefcase showed I was ready, in reality I wasn't even close.  

How does one prepare for a moment like this?  How do you look your spouse in the eye, the one who claimed to love you but yet never showed it, the one who gave you the most perfect gift in the world, a beautiful daughter, and then abandoned you both on several occasions?  How do you look at this man and be ready to point directly at him upon command to the question "Can you point out the man who struck you"?  It was overwhelming and is still somewhat surreal as I plunk out these words on the keyboard.  The man I loved at one time and the man I hated at others, all wrapped up into one.  This man's life was held in my hands, the point of my finger could literally change everything for him...and for me.  It was a huge responsibility and to be honest, one I was contemplating running from.

Days before the trial my emotions were all over the place.  I was strong and confident and determined to find justice for my child and myself. I was weak and defeated and knew for sure I was going to lose.  Then again, I was also terrified and wanted it all to just disappear.  I cannot even count the times I went back and forth between quitting and fighting.   Ultimately, my decision came from my Christopher, my current husband now. He was the rock, the one who lifted my head up and walked alongside me through the entire process.  He was the one to pick up my one foot and keep dropping it in front of the other.  To this day I believe if it wasn't for him by my side I would have ran. That was especially true on the day of court.  It was on that day that he used his own strength to carry all of my other "baggage" so I wouldn't have to.  It was only because of that lightened load that I could stand tall and walk in carrying that briefcase.  He gave me my strength, he gave me my determination and he gave me my fight.

Court was about to be in session and scared or not I was going in! So down the long hall way and through those heavy double wooden doors I walked.  I walked right into the silence, except for the sound of my beating heart, and into the mass of people and into the unknown. ( Insert the deepest breathe I've ever taken in my life here....)