Trashed, Torn & Crushed

Once again, I find myself somewhat at peace.  My ex has once again been arrested and at this point there is no doubt in my mind that we are completely over.  With him being in jail I now had complete access to my apartment and was finally going to be able to return and collect my and Alicia's belongings.  I drove to the apartment, put the key in the door and turned it open and then proceeded to emotionally fall apart.  The scene I entered into was complete devestation.  Everything I left behind was demolished, I mean deliberately destroyed.  Beyond that, everything that was Alicia's was ruined.  This in particular ripped my heart out.  As I have said from the beginning, "hurt me but don't you dare hurt my child" and that, in my mind, was exactly what he was doing, he was hurting my child.  As much as this moment tore me apart it also completely affirmed my decision to protect my daughter at all costs. 

I proceeded to go throughout the house only to find Alicia's crib outside of our third story apartment underneath a busted out window.  Next to it sat her dresser, broken and in pieces.  Some of her toys were broken and her clothes were missing, torn and ruined.  My sweet, big fat orange cat , Mork, that I had to leave behind was gone and never to be found.  There were holes in many walls and structural damage throughout.  Dishes were filthy and piled up and cat litter and garbage were strewn all across the living room and bedroom floors.  The hard part was that this disaster I was standing in was going to be MY responsibility.  This apartment was in my name and therefore I was going to be held responsible for the damage.  However, much worse than having to pay for that damage was the pain that was in my heart.  Yes, the place was a mess, but despite how hard I tried, so was my life.  I was literally standing in a room that matched how I felt on the inside, trashed, torn and crushed.  The hardest part of it all was the meanness and the intentionality that this room displayed.  It was done on purpose and it was evident.  I was not only not cared about but I was clearly despised.

But...despised or not, I had some cleaning to do.  Not only did I need to repair the damage, pick up the trash and clean my apartment.  I also needed to do the very same thing with my life...repair it, pick it up, throw out the trash and once and for all clean it up!